Day 6

Taylor continues doing good. She gained a little weight and is back up to 2 lbs 5 oz (2 oz short of her birth weight). She's not pooping enough though so I'm not confident that's a good thing. This is quickly turning into a crappy conversation, but... Her meconium is starting to turn yellow which is good, but they would like to see more waste. I am confident in saying that these will be the only times that I wish for a full diaper. Anyway her bilirubium has gone back up a little so its something to be a little concerned about. They have not yet put her back under the light yet, and we'd like to keep it that way. When she's under the light she has to have those "shades" on and we can't see her eyes. We love seeing her eyes. She's been awake and really alert now a couple times and those eyes just melt you. I don't know if she's focusing or not but she has definitely moved her head to voices or people. Anyway, its really sweet.

Her Oxygen saturation levels have not been as stable as in the past. Yesterday afternoon and this afternoon the alarm has been sounding a lot more than in the past. Sometime during the night last night they started giving her some oxygen, but that was turned off today. I have to find out from the night nurse why they did that. I remember the alarms sounding last night, and I knew people were in the room, but I was too tired and too comfortable to get up. Anyway, yesterday they said it might be a little reflux causing it. They've upped her feeding levels so its possible. Last night when Michelle was doing kangaroo care (skin to skin holding) she said she saw a little milk near her mouth, as if she burped it up. Its possible. Its also expected that her sat level will vary like this. A couple of nurses have told us now that she's basically on her honeymoon, and that things will get more rough along the way as they try to get fully on breast milk and as she grows.

The PIC line went in today. Its an IV line that was inserted through the leg and goes up to around the heart. Its supposed to last a long time before needing replaced, and can handle larger doses of stuff. It tore Michelle up pretty good. We couldn't be in the room (they needed a sterile environment they say) so went to the lounge area to eat the breakfast they brought. There were a couple english muffins that needed toasting, and Michelle brought them to the nurses station to have them do it. The nurses station is in front of our room. She heard Taylor screaming a couple really big cries. It didn't help that the nurse later told us that "everything went ok, she didn't even make a noise." Argh! Scratch one nurse from our trust list. Anyway, it was a tough choice, but one that I think made sense to do (I was maybe 60/40 in favor of it, Michelle was probably 50.000000001/49.99999999). I saw them go through 3 veins on Saturday until they finally got it right on the 4th, so I was more in favor. The doctor wanted it. Michelle wanted to wait it out a week and hopefully Taylor would be off of IVs by then. But she finally gave in, and the PIC went in today. During the procedure, I was talking to another mother with twins born at 28 weeks about it and she was telling me how they had a lot of problems getting the PIC lines in place. She didn't say it directly, but did in other ways that she didn't have much confidence in the nurse that did it. Not what you want to here when that nurse is in with your baby.

Lets see what else.. While I've been writing this, they bumped her oxygen level back up because her sat levels were staying so low. I can't wait until she's off the C-PAP but apparently she's needing it. We are going to try something new tonight though. Michelle came up with the idea and got the ok from the doctor this morning, to take her of C-PAP for about 1/2 hour tonight when she's doing kangaroo care with me (yes, guys can do it too).. The idea is to give her a break from the C-PAP a little while she's most comfortable during the day (which is when she's being held by Michelle or myself). It promotes growth a bit, gives them a larger chance to see how she would do off of it, and (okay this is a bit weird) allows Taylor to get to suckle a bit. Ok, that sounds really bizarre when I write that, so we'll just move on... It may not happen tonight anyway because of her sat levels.

Michelle's going nuts with the whole breast-pumping thing. I'm sure she loves me mentioning this, but its really frustrating her. She's supposed to do it every 3 hours or so. She hates it. I reminded her that "Happy cows make happy milk". Luckily she didn't have anything next to her that she could throw at me. Then she told me that I got the quote wrong, and that its not milk but cheese. I like cheese, but I'll skip on that kind.

I actually got 6 pretty good hours of sleep last night. Michelle got discharged yesterday and she stayed in Taylor's room with me last night. I'm not sure she was too crazy about sleeping in the small little day bed they have with me, but I just squeezed up against the wall, grabbed on and wouldn't let go. Its been a long time since I could hold her in my arms at night, and snore in her ear. I woke up a couple times when nurses came in because of alarms, but I was so tired and my arms felt too good to let go. Ok... truth be told.. my back had turned into plywood, and my right arm had lost so much blood that I couldn't move it even if I tried. It ached really bad in the morning. But I had a good night.

Michelle went home for the first time in I don't even remember how many weeks. Its been kind of  a down day emotionally.  First the PIC, and second knowing that Michelle would be heading home tonight. I'm so glad she can leave the hospital after all she's been through, but she's not the type to leave her baby...  But she's got 2 at  home as well. And she hasn't seen her horses or her home in  a very long time. It was really hard on her and I probably just made it worse by my attitude today.  Its very difficult dealing with some of these emotions.  Sometimes you  have very little control over what you feel and just the opposite of  what you want to be comes out. When you want to be sweet and nice sometimes your an ass. When you want to be calm, cool and collected sometimes you are just a basket case. When you want to be happy, sometimes you just start bawling because somebody sneezed.  Anyway,  this is starting to sound like some stupid Doogie Howser diary entry, so I'll shut up.

We've been trying to figure out how to work all this out, and we have not come up with any grand solution yet. Michelle's home tonight, and she will be back tomorrow morning after taking the kids to school. The nurse let out a gasp when she heard that Michelle drove herself home (she's not supposed to be doing that). I just kind of smiled and said, "yeah, I know...". Hopefully she doesn't go home and decide to take a bale of hay out to the horses. I'm not really joking about that. All I can do is suggest that she shouldn't, and hope that kids keep her real occupied. But she's too strong-willed for any of us. Anyway, one of us will be heading back home tomorrow. I want to be home on Thursday to watch the OSU-Utah game (I have to be selfish once in a while), so will plan for that night and let Michelle pick what she wants the rest of the week.

Its weird being left behind for a change. I have Taylor so I know its easier on me than when the kids and I would leave Michelle (although at least Michelle had a TV in her room). I felt horrible for Michelle though. I can't imagine what a mom leaving her baby at the hospital feels like, but I assume its worse than I felt leaving her behind (especially when she was unstable) and it ripped me in half every single time. So it must be extremely horrible. I know from experience that it doesn't get easier either. Its going to be some real rough weeks ahead as we work through all of this and try to keep everyone in our family happy. I'm looking forward to Saturday. Tristan is turning 5 on Saturday and we all are going to try to stay here at the hospital that night together. There are 2 family (hotel type) rooms available here, and we are going to try to get one. Taylor would need to be her room, but it would be the first time the 4 of were together at night for a long time.

Anyhoo, the sob fest is over for the night. On the plus side of things, I actually got something done today (getting the Flight tracker ad changes in place for Virtually There). That felt real good. I hope to be able to swing by for at least an hour this week sometime. That is if I can figure out where you are all. Even with all the stuff that was going on last Thursday and Friday, I was thinking about all of you and the big move. I can't wait to see the new office and figure out where you all put my stuff. I'm imagining some storage room somewhere. Just be warned if you took my stapler! "I'll burn the whole place down!"

One quick note about something from the night Taylor was delivered. Michelle made friends with a lot of the nurses and they kept coming by talking with her and keeping her up late in the night. Through them, we've learned some about what happened. I mentioned in my e-mail about how we couldn't see anything in Taylor's room but did see a couple nurses standing around kind of smiling and chit-chatting and how that made us feel a little calmer about what was going on in there. Looks sure can be deceiving. Turns out that they were 2 trainees attending their 2nd c-section and neither had seen a 28 week delivery before. They hadn't a clue what was going on and were probably scared shitless. I guess it was pretty rough in there. Our nurse said that she was very concerned at first. Taylor was blue and limp. Her initial apgar was 4. She couldn't remember what Taylor got points for but it wasn't for color or activity. She told us that she was starting to think the worse, but that eventually Taylor started responding and got better. Over time, I am going to try to find out more from some of the other people that were involved. Not that it matters much in the long run, buts its 15-20 minutes (probably the most important minutes) of our daughter's life and it would be nice to know what she went through. Anyway... I don't know who those trainees were but I'd like to thank them for putting on a brave face and making me relax a little.

The Happiest Moment of My Life

This is a picture that I took just after midnight last Friday night / Saturday morning when Michelle got to hold Taylor in her arms for the first time. She didn't let go for over 2 hours. It was the happiest moment of my life.

Life in the NICU

First and foremost, Taylor has been doing fantastic! She is still on CPAP which helps with her breathing, but she has not had any oxygen being provided since the day she was born. She's breathing room air. She goes off the CPAP machine 2 times daily so they can change out the headpiece and make sure that the CPAP tubing is not irritating her skin or anything. Those 2 times a day are extremely magical for Michelle and myself, as we get to see Taylor's face and head. I'm obviously biased but she's pretty dang cute! Anyway, she does excellent during those times but they say that she would probably tire herself out if she was left off for a 1/2 day. So they leave her on it so that she doesn't. Everything they do is all about minimizing the amount of energy she has to spend so that the limited amount of energy she does have can be used to help her grow. For example, her bed is heated at the perfect temp so she doesn't spend any energy heating or cooling herself.

The CPAP machine though takes some getting used to. Its just plain hard to see her face all covered up. Its like she goes from being your baby to some alien life-form w/ some alien gadgetry to breath "our" air. On top of this, her biliribun was high and they had under white light from Friday to yesterday. The light will damage their eyes, so they cover them with some foam type padding. They try to make it cute by painting some sunglasses on the top of the foam, but to be honest it just kind of makes it worse. It adds to the alien effect. Sometimes I think she looks like an astronaut or a race car driver or other things. She doesn't look like my baby though and up until yesterday when she was taken off the light we couldn't see her eyes (except when for those 2 times a day when they took everything off). Some say that the eyes are the window to the soul, and when you see her eyes, it just makes you tingle...

She has been fighting through some sleep apnea problems which is totally expected. Her nervous system is not fully developed. When she stresses, or when she falls into a deep sleep, she sometimes forgets to breathe. She's wired to all sorts of monitors and these really loud alarms go off. Sometimes she recovers on her own (getting more common), other times she has to be rubbed pretty vigorously to get her going again. We were prepared for it, so it doesn't freak us out or anything. It can be unnerving though at 4 in the morning when you finally get to sleep and those alarms go off.

Overall, she's been kicking some baby booty... We were told that she would need to have surfacant (a soapy like substance that helps reduce friction in the air sacs so that the sacs can inflate/deflate correctly). She hasn't. That's good for 2 reasons: one her lungs are doing it on their own, and two because they would need to put a breathing tube in to administer it, and there's risk that the process could damage thing. She has a feeding tube and is continually taking milk from Michelle via it (Michelle pumps and gets it into vials which then are hooked up to machines to feed it). They keep upping her dosage everyday and watching how her guts handle it. So far, so good. Let's see what else.... She is off of anti-biotics now, but is still taking fats and vitamins and other stuff via IV. She will continue for at least a week on those. She is a fighter and anytime people start messing with her she lets them know she's unhappy about it. Everybody comments how feisty she is. I guess its not common. But hey we've known that even before she was born.

She so far does not have a PIC line (a special IV that delivers everything right near the heart) but has the peripheral form. Unfortunately the peripheral kind doesn't last very long. On Saturday they had to replace the first one. It was so sad. It took them about an hour and 4 separate tries to get one to work. As crappy as I felt for Taylor and even myself, I felt real bad for the nurses. These guys are incredibly compassionate and it was about killing them that they had to keep poking. Anyway, the PIC line has been a bit of a story. We were told originally that she would get one 2-3 days after being born. They tried doing it the day she was born and that rightly upset Michelle (Taylor already had been through so much). It was because of staffing issues. Michelle pleaded with them to do it another day (its not Taylor's fault they only have one person right now that can do it). As always Michelle wins people's hearts and the lady came in the next day (her day off) to do it. Unfortunately, it didn't work and they have to try again (sometime today). Michelle is really thinking hard about whether or not she wants it done at all now as it will hopefully only be another 6 days that Taylor would need IV. The PIC has some risks associated it and they are rather severe in some cases. I'm not totally sure where I stand, but don't want see what happened on Saturday happen again.

As for us... Michelle is getting discharged from the hospital today. Basically we are just moving her stuff to Taylor's room. We have yet to figure out how to work this out. We do know that somebody will be with Taylor at all times. We love the staff so far and trust them, but there's only so much comfort that they can provide and we are the most important people in Taylor's life. Babies need their parents. There are babies here that have no-one with them. Its very sad, especially at night. It's a weird environment. It seems that the place comes alive at night with alarms sounding everywhere and babies crying. Its probably just because you are visiting with other people during the day and don't notice it as much, or because you are trying to sleep a little at night, but it gets real noisy at night. I say that, but as I'm typing I've heard alarms going off in other rooms. Anyway, I am so, so, so glad that we made the move to this hospital. These private rooms are so nice. We can control the lighting and can shut the door which blocks off a lot of the other noise. We can also sleep (or least pretend) here at night. At Emanuel it was just one room with 38 babies and their alarms and their company, etc..

Except for a few bits of time here and there, I have been with Taylor since she was born. Michelle comes over during the days to be with us. She wasn't able to be here much the day Taylor was born because Michelle got really sick, but since then she's been living over here during the day. She'll move in today. Anyway, its been surreal but wonderful at times. I haven't got much sleep at all. Last night was my best night of sleep and that was about 4 interrupted hours. The alarms will go off or Taylor will start fussing, etc... and I'll be up for a while with her. The nurses are also in here continually checking on Taylor, and doing routine jobs. I think my usefulness at night though is fading a bit. The lack of sleep is catching up and my response times to alarms is slowing. The nurses come running anyway, but its not quite the same at least to me. We are here for our baby girl... Anyway, sometime today or tomorrow I'll probably go home and see if I can crash.

Its been very emotional for us these last few days. We've been through so much that we are constantly bouncing around emotionally. Taylor has won our hearts but I would be lying if I said that we've dropped our walls. Everything has been going so great, and I want to believe that we're through the worse, but I can't do that yet. Every time I've done that in the past something has always gone wrong. The first 2 days were especially hard. Michelle was emotional and mad at herself for being so. She got so much better when she was able to come over with Taylor. Those 2 days were really hard for me to get out of my fog, but Taylor is working on me and like her mom she's pretty persistent. Friday morning around 2 in the morning, she was fussing pretty good. I was trying to calm her and all that and I just kind of smiled.... Behind all that alien gear was a baby. A baby that was no different than Tristan or Haylee, except that she is so much smaller and needs us more. It woke me up. Yesterday morning at 4:30 in the morning I got to hold her in my hands for the first time. It was just for a minute or two, but it was real special. Last night, I got to hold her in my arms for a couple hours. I can't describe the feeling and won't even try.

I'm not sure how much I'll be online today. I'm really tired, we have to get Michelle discharged, and Michelle and myself have got to try and come up with some kind of plan from here on out.

Delivery Day

Sorry, its just my little journal.... And I just have to get this out of me before going on.

On Wed... We turned 28 weeks and had dreams about making it to 30. Part of us knew though. Michelle had some irritability that had been picking up on Tuesday and was still continuing on Wed. She was taking more nifedipine trying to counter it. But there was no new bleeding. This was good, but also not typical. Usually the bleeding would start, then the irritability, then the contractions. I was at home waiting for the kids to get out of school. Before I left to pick up Haylee, Michelle told me that it might be another night of magnesium. I picked up Haylee and headed to the hospital. We were hoping things would at least be stable enough so that she could see the kids for a while. If anything, I was feeling frustrated. We had tried so hard to reach 28 weeks, and we had done it, but we weren't even going to be able to enjoy it. Just for the record, I also told her flat out several times that under NO circumstance could anything be happening on Thursday because it was my intent to enjoy the OSU-USC football game. The #1 team in the nation in town... No way could anything happen!

Around 3 in the afternoon, she was taking a nap (the kids and myself were on the road to the hospital) and the nurse woke her up to put her and Taylor on the monitors for awhile (scheduled time). In the next 45 minutes or so, Taylor had some really bad descents in her heart rate. We've seen it before but not at this frequency and not as bad. Usually Michelle would just wiggle around and Taylor would get off her chord (or whatever she was doing) and things would be fine. Michelle said though that she couldn't get her to recover and she started getting really worried. Taylor eventually would recover, but everyone was nervous and doctors had been notified. Taylor did settle down, but the stress caused the contractions to get going. Our doctor logged in and saw the strip and kind of said "what's the big deal?" an then looked back at the time period when Taylor was stressing and said "oh". He told us if that would have continued it or if it started back up it that it would be an emergency c-section.

Anyway, I showed up with kids, but it wasn't long before I left the hospital with them. I met Grandpa halfway home to take them the rest of the way. The drive back to the hospital was just plain weird. I was sitting in rush hour traffic going back to Vancouver. I was numb, just flipping through the radio stations, listening to songs trying to figure out if there were any signs of what was ahead of us that night. It sounds real stupid, but I kid you not that there have been times that I just kind of knew things would be bad or good by what ever songs I stumbled across on the radio as I was driving back/forth from the hospital. Back when this all started I heard Good Vibrations on the radio several times, and just kind had a good feeling. Today almost every song had something to do about leaving.. I wasn't sure what to make of it. The last song really threw me for a loop (Boys are Back in Town). What the hell did that mean? It cheered me up a bit though and reasoned that it was a good song to hear when pulling up in the parking lot.

Anyway, the contractions weren't stopping and they were breaking through all the extra nifedipine that Michelle and her doctor were trying. It would work for about 1/2 hour only and then get bad again. Anyway, it wasn't very clear what to do next. Our "real" doctor left it up to Doctor Hopkins (he and the nurses had started calling Michelle that because she had been in charge for quite a while). Over time the two of them decided to try mag to see what would happen They gave her a big boost of it. She got sick again. It was horrible again. I finally had the feeling that I was done. I couldn't take it any longer. But I kept it to myself. Even though she got sick, her blood pressure did hold up but that was because her extended release nifedipine had worn off.

Basically at 10pm we had a decision to make. Her long term (high dosage) nifedipine was due, and we didn't know if it would work or not. If she had any more mag with the long term nifedipine, her blood pressure would most certainly tank and she would need to be taken of the mag. We weren't sure if nifedipine would be enough. Or she could not take the nifedipine and stay on mag through the night and see if that would stop it. The booster dosage of mag she was on had done a good job and for the most part had slowed things down. But it was done and some contractions had come back. Much to the surprise I think of a lot people Michelle decided to be on mag. I think most of them just assumed she would try the drug that wouldn't make her sick. But that's not Michelle. She wanted the contractions stopped and would do whatever she could and even though the mag was harsh on her, it had been doing the job. Super mom, I tell ya...

Unfortunately, it took about an hour for them to get things going again. Argh! They had to order the proper mag dosage, get it from the pharmacy and get the machine running. There are times when we have gotten frustrated with procedures and this was one them. By the time they got it going, the contractions had really picked up again and they were hurting Michelle. We were never able to get them back under control. Michelle started bleeding again, and it just started going down hill. She started going into labor and Michelle started getting really concerned about the cerclage as the contractions could just rip out the stitches and that would be bad. She got up to go the bathroom, and to my eyes things got extremely bad. I swore she went into shock. Michelle says it was just labor. Anyway, more blood and Michelle looked really bad (horribly pale). We got her back to bed and she was shaking and cold. We hooked up the monitors again (unhooked when she got up), and Taylor was doing horrible. It was really scary. Nurses started coming in and before we knew they were giving Michelle oxygen through a mask they pulled out of the wall. Things did stabilize some but we all came to the conclusion that it was time.

Thankfully, it was not an emergency c-section, and we had about 1 hour before it. Grandparents were called, I got to get my cool space/painter suit, and we were able to spend just a little time together. Neither of us really had much to say but just enjoyed each other's company and the doctor's company and just tried to stay positive. Michelle was to have a spinal and I was going to be able to be next to Michelle during it. We separated for a while as they took her to the room and got her prepped. I waited in the waiting room and figured it was probably a good time to try and figure out our new camera. ;-) I had been pretty numb about things for a while now so it wasn't too bad, but for whatever reason Great White's "All Right" song came out of the recesses of my mind and into my head. Could have been a worse song I guess.. I just kind sat there humming it and taking pictures of stupid things for what seemed like a very long time. The doctor came out and told me that we were waiting on the neonatologist. Michelle told me later that they were also debating whether or not the spinal was working well enough, and that they almost did a general instead (in which case I wouldn't have been allowed to be there). Anyway, after a while I was brought in and sat next to Michelle.

At 3:48 am Taylor was born. I didn't even realize it. Somebody said, "Dad, do you want to see?" and I stood up and said "sure", thinking that when I peeked over the sheet I would just see them working on Michelle. Instead there was Taylor. I kind of just went "oh wow" and time stood still for a minute. The doctor politely reminded me to take the picture and my hands fumbled around to do so (if anybody wants to see let me know - I didn't include it because she hadn't been cleaned up, but its a pretty cool picture). Anyway I took the picture, they took Taylor away, and I sat back down.

For the next 15-20 minutes I sat with Michelle as all the doctors worked their magic. It was strangely calm. Michelle was being grossed out by the procedure but over all doing well. For the most part we were both just numb. We had been numb for a quite a while. Its a very strange feeling. Your child is born and you just kind of sit and wait and don't think about anything. Its like that scene on the Simpsons were something important is happening but Homer is just sitting there humming circus music. Its just a dream and it feels so unreal. We couldn't see into the other room well enough to see Taylor but could see nurses standing around. By their composure and smiles and the fact that they weren't all running around crazy like, we felt pretty good.

After a while, they had work worked their miracles and she was stable. I was able to go in and see her. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to put it into words, but all I'm managing to do is cry... Sorry.... Its like you are standing in the eye of a very surreal slow moving tornado. Instead of dirt and debris flying around you its every freaking emotion in the world and pictures of people and places. Memories of everything we've been through, and everyone that has got us here. There's fear and anger and happiness and sadness and everything in between. You want to be happy because she's here, but you are sad because she's so little and fragile. You want to feel like like you did everything you could to get her this far, but you are mad that you couldn't do more. You want to feel relieved because the first ride is over, but you feel so guilty for feeling that way... You want to open your heart and let her in but you have to protect yourself because your scared of what's next... You want to believe... But yet its so unreal. And you need the most important person in your life to share it with you but that is impossible because she's in the other room. Touching your child helps, but you can't hold your child and you can't see what you really need to see and that's your child's face. Instead you just see all this stuff hooked up and covering her and she's so small and fragile... And yet so precious... And slowly the tornado just lifts up around you and your child and leaves you behind safe but extremely dazed.

I was able to get some pictures, and was able to relay on some things to Michelle ("I have some bad news, I think she has my ears"). And I was able to see that Michelle was fine and was able to see that Taylor was fine. I just sat there looking at Taylor awaiting the next steps. Michelle was wheeled by soon on her way to recovery. I felt so bad for her, but I was so glad that she had a chance to see her, and I was glad to see her. She then moved to the recovery room, and I moved with Taylor to the NICU and on to the next ride. All aboard..

As a quick side note, I did see a lot of the Beaver game and listened to the last part over the internet in Taylor's room. For once in my life, I was able to contain myself. Who knows, maybe Taylor became a Beaver fan that night too... Also, my brother is convinced that we need to have more kids. The day Tristan was born OSU travelled to a highly favored Cal and beat them. I love my OSU football, but I'm done with having kids.

Taylor Rose Hopkins

Chugga chugga whoops! So much for dreams of 30 weeks. Apparently we pushed our luck long enough.

Taylor Rose Hopkins was born this morning. She weighs 2 lb 7 oz. She is doing great! Mom is doing great! I'm great as long as they both stay great!

I won't be in today.  If somebody could get my computer hooked up (hopefully at some decent cubicle and not the janitors closet) so I can remote in, I would very much appreciate it.

I'm sending a link to Picasa. Look at the last ones for sure. I got them just a little while ago when they were changing Taylor's CPAP. Its the only time (besides when she born and covered in goo) that I've seen her face without all the scary stuff on (which she has back on). Oh yeah, I thought you'd get a kick of my cool threads. I'm saving them for when I stain the barn. This is first time I've ever used Picasa so if it doesn't work let me know (not the time to learn something when you are on zero sleep and emotional high). http://picasaweb.google.com/mmmelling1/TaylorHopkins?authkey=AP8gx3GdLO8#

I'll share the story in a while. Sorry to make you all suffer through another one of my endless e-mails, but its my little journal of this whole crazy journey. The first ride has come to an end and so far so good. We are now on the next ride of this journey.

28 Weeks!

We hit a big milestone for Taylor today. She's now 28 weeks. Its a big milestone in her development. We still have a long ways to go, but we are quite happy. Our doctor hasn't been in yet today, so I don't know what his thoughts are, but we are starting to dare to dream about 30 weeks. Michelle wants 35. A baby born less than that gets an automatic trip to the NICU. She doesn't want Taylor leaving the room or her arms. I'll second that. I'm quite positive that the happiest day in my life will be when I see Taylor in Michelle's arms, and I want that to last for a very long time. Then I want us all to go home. :-)

I told Michelle that this pregnancy is just proving to be the opposite of the last 2. Haylee was born face first, face up which was nothing short of hell for Michelle. Tristan had the prolapsed chord and emergency c-section. Both were good pregnancies, bad deliveries. This is a hellish pregnancy but is going to be a good delivery.

Of course, things aren't quite as stable as they were this weekend. Michelle's has not had any new bleeding, but there has been what appears to be old blood. She's also had some irritability showing up on the contraction monitors this morning and last night. Does it mean anything? Hopefully not, but it has started this way the last few rounds, so it might mean another round is coming up. I sure hope not. It about kills me watching her go that.

She had an ultrasound yesterday and things still look good with Taylor. The placenta doesn't appear to have torn loose any more than before. There was just a teeny bit of amniotic fluid, but that's better than none. Yesterday, Michelle's back was really bugging her. She has fluid in one of her kidneys and was starting to feel like it was happening to the other one as well. She says she's feeling a lot better today though. Hopefully tonight they'll leave her alone so she can catch up some much needed sleep. She's quite sleep-deprived.

Anyway, its a good day! All aboard! Next stop 30 weeks! Chugga-chugga chugga-chugga chugga-chagga

A perfect weekend

A perfect weekend! Our doctor won't get back until tonight, but Michelle's feeling good and things look stable for now. I'm at home again and will be heading in to the hospital later today after the kids get out of school.  Onwards to Wed and 28 weeks!

Whoo Hoo!

White blood cell count ok. No baby today (hopefully)... Move along...
Chugga chugga, chugga chugga, chugga chugga...

I'm hoping to get some e-mails answered now. A hope that will probably start something up.. It seems to always do that. ;-) 

Chugga chugga chugga chugga choo choo

27 weeks and 2 days! The baby train keeps rolling... And so do the long e-mails (sorry)

Yesterday was a repeat of Sunday though a little less severe (or maybe I'm just going numb). Michelle does not have kidney stone, but does have liquid buildup in one kidney. It appeared that she has a urinary tract infection (she would tell you that she does), but the culture finally came back today and it was negative. Anyway, her stomach was on edge all night (she thinks from her bladder) Wed night and she said yesterday morning that she felt like anything could push her over the edge. A doctor (the one butting heads with our doctor) came in and did a quick exam. Nothing she did was out of the ordinary but Michelle soon went over that edge again. (Our doctor quickly gave up his day off and came in). More bleeding and more contractions. She went back on the magnesium and this time they started with a low dosage (after a boost) and worked their way up as the contractions weren't stopping. They ended up on higher dosage than Sunday. They had planned on her being on it for at least 12 hours and maybe 24. She didn't make it that far (7 hours) before her blood pressure went down again and they had to reduce the dosage. They stopped it soon after that (around 7pm). Things were thankfully quite for the rest of the night for the most part.

I haven't a clue what's going to happen today. Our doctor came in and things look good right now. BUT... and there's always that damn but.. Michelle's blood work from yesterday shows an elevated white blood cell count. They just took more blood this morning for another test. If it comes back further elevated we may just need to deliver as it points to infection. We are walking a delicate line right now. Is Taylor better off in the womb or delivered? Naturally, you assume the womb. But... The placenta has torn an may be continuing to slowly tear away. The amniotic fluid is gone. Michelle has needed medicine to fight the contractions. It is game over in a lot of doctor's minds already. I think the elevated blood count would push all of us to that same conclusion no matter how hard we are trying to get Taylor to 28 weeks. 27 weeks has a huge survival rate (over 90%), its just the short and long term affects that are more scary. 28 weeks is one of those major milestones. (24, 28, 32, 34...). The likelihood of survival goes up (95%) and some of the risks for other nasties go down (though every risk is still there). For the most part, Taylor appears to be doing good. She has had some of those thing you don't want to see on the heart monitor though and thats another factor. We will deliver at a moments notice if Taylor appears to be getting stressed. One nice thing about Magnesium right now though is that some recent studies have shown that premies exposed to magnesium have less risk of cerebral palsy.

Anyway, we are awaiting the results of the blood test or for the next obstacle on this ride. Michelle says her stomach isn't feeling good this morning. I don't know what the means. We've been having a lot of conversations and trying to figure out what we want to do. If we get past today, the big drama facing us is this weekend and our doctor being out of town. Different doctors, different opinions, and most likely delivery if things happen. Who knows... we may deliver today, or next week, or next month. ;-)

Its a crazy, crazy ride.

Latest Status

So things stabilized a bit yesterday. I came home yesterday to be with the kids overnight. I'm trying to get some work done this morning, but in all honesty I'm not where I need to be (physically or mentally) and will be heading back to the hospital as soon as I possibly can (either after the kids are out of school or something else happens).

There are new additions to the equation.

This morning's ultra-sounds showed very little fluid, so we are back to thinking the bag has ruptured. Taylor has a couple time now taking a serious dip on the monitor. At 6:30 this morning it was enough for the nurse to run into the room and wake Michelle up. Everything was okay, but its very scary. She's some how compressing the cord and cutting of her own blood supply. You hear the heart beat just slow down to almost stopping and then pick back up again. It may be happening more now because of the lack of fluid.

Michelle apparently has a very opinionated high-strung nurse this morning that doesn't understand why we are not delivering. The doctor was in this morning and still wants to wait.

There is still bleeding going on but it appears to be older blood now so that's good, but we've been here before..

Michelle's upper-back start bothering her last night. Its in the same area where we think the placenta has tore away. The doc did an small ultra-sound this morning and in addition to discovering very little fluid, said there's a blood clot there now. Does that mean its healing? Who knows... He is more concerned that its a kidney stone and has ordered an ultra-sound for that. Just what Michelle needs...

Michelle will not be leaving the hospital for sure until after delivery. She will be delivered at 34 weeks if we can make it that long. Our choice to extend that has been eliminated. More than likely, if anything happens they will deliver. Our doctor will be gone this weekend, and the other doctors we are told will want to deliver. Our doctor is still trying to get us to 28 weeks. We want to get to 28 real bad. We are at 27 today! Yeah!!!! All things considered, its amazing that we've made it this far.

I've reached the point where I don't feel comfortable at home anymore and probably won't be leaving the hospital now. Its takes me too long to get there. I'm packing assuming we are delivering soon. We are going to try to get the kids in for a few hours today so they can see Michelle, but they won't be staying the night. Of course things can just calm down and all that... who knows...

Both Michelle and myself had dreams last night that the baby was delivered. Michelle also dreamed that had a flat stomach. I dreamed that a snake was trying to come after Taylor. I'm not sure what either of those mean, but I think Michelle had a better dream. ;-)

Anyway, that's where things are at now. I'm off to pick up Tristan and will be back on in awhile.

Update

This roller-coaster ride keeps going... I'm sorry that this is a long e-mail but its therapeutic in ways and its also helps me get some of this stuff down so that when Taylor grows up and starts giving us problems, we can show her what her family went through for her.

On Friday we were discharged from Emanuel and drove up to Salmon Creek. There's some fun stories to tell about the crazy transfer but this note will get real long if I do. In short, we were technically not able to transfer and had to be discharged and get our selves re-submitted. Fibs were told and the master plan we developed with our doctor was, shall we say, poorly executed.  Kind of an embarrassing day, but hey we are in the hospital we want to be in now. We want to be here for the NICU if Taylor comes early (which we are starting to accept as happening).

Backing up though just to show how even more crazy this all this... On Friday, we were actually given the choice to just go home. Its not clear that the membranes have broke and things did stabilize. Its funny how perspectives change and Thursday night Michelle and myself (I was home) talked a lot about her coming home. Look up basket case in the dictionary right now and you may just see a picture of me. The kids and myself are missing Michelle a lot when we are at home. Anyway, of course I really wanted her home and she wants out of the hospital. But we both did not feel comfortable about it because of the bleeding.  If the plot to get ourselves to Salmon Creek weren't underway we wouldn't have felt right leaving Emanuel. Our doctor was not comfortable as well with the amount of time it would take us to get back to the hospital if things went downhill. But in the end, the doctor did offer and we turned it down.

Sometimes your gut instincts are right and that was the case here (reality slapped our senses silly again). Michelle's bleeding really picked up again over the weekend and all hell broke loose last night. It was a crazy afternoon already. (Here I go blabbering on for no reason) Michelle's bleeding had picked up, our kids were at the hospital with us and they were sick and we were bouncing off the walls. We had our tour of the NICU (my parents came by to watch the kids so both of us could go) and we another depressing conversation with the neonatalogist. By the time we came back from the tour my sister had shown with her kids. It was out of control. I could have swore I turned into some cartoon character with my eyes popping out of my head and I swore I heard Ah-ooga!!! once or twice.

Anyway, after all this and everyone left,  I was still supposed to be heading home with the kids, and we went down to get some food so they could eat dinner with their mom. When we got back to the room, the monitors were running (which made my stomach hit my toes and bounce off the nearest wall). Michelle had some bad bleeding happening and they were hooking her back up to iv. I decided I wasn't going home but I did have to take the kids halfway home to meet up with their uncle and aunt who were going to watch them. As we were leaving (and I was rapidly trying to get the kids out) I looked at the monitor and saw contractions. Lots of contractions. A few speeding laws were broken but kids got transferred and I got back. This time my heart sank as soon as I was in the hallway as there were all sort of machines lined up outside our room. And there were a lot of people inside the room. Michelle was having the worst bleeding of the pregnancy by then (the only time its been worse is when we had that late miscarriage). Anyway, the contractions were regular, large and Michelle was starting to go into labor.

They threw the kitchen sink at her. More nefedepine (which is the only drug Michelle has been on continually), indocin (indomethacin) again (which was Michelle's friend the last time we had serious contraction problems) and the big boy Magnesium sulfate. They slowly spaced out the contractions and made them less regular. Unfortunately, the Magnesium sulfate is a bad ass drug. It slows everything down (everything from the uterus, to the legs, to the lungs). They take it very serious and we had a nurse devoted to us for the night (tonight as well). She should have just stayed in our room with us. She had to due vitals every hour on the hour, and take blood twice. She would come in every hour on the hour and things would get crazy and then we'd take a breath, and go ok time to get some sleep, but then look at the clock and realize the whole thing would start again in 15 minutes. Michelle was really sick from the Magnesium, had more bleeding, and her blood pressure was really low (nefedepine in combination with the mag). Taylor was also being negatively affected by the medicine but priority 1 was stopping the contractions. Michelle would get real hot and almost puke, and we'd uncover her and fan her, and then 5 minutes later she would be freezing and we'd cover her back up. Alarms would go off, batteries would die in machines, other machines would run out of paper, etc.. It was bad... and I just felt like shit for Michelle. She was real sick. She ended up throwing up. Her blood pressure got worse. They finally took her off the magnesium at 4am. She was supposed to be on it for 24 hours but her blood pressure had tanked (63 over 35). Her nurse literally took her blood pressure and ran out of the room to find the doctor and that was the end of that drug for a couple hours (eventually Michelle was taken off it for good). Scary stuff.

That was the low. Things have gotten better. She is still having some bleeding but it has backed way off. She is also still having contractions, but they are manageable right now. We got about 2 hours of sleep last night and about another 2 today, so we are really hoping for a very quiet night and so far it appears that we might get it but who knows. Our doctor is still committed to fighting off labor right now, but told us point blank that if this is still going on once we reach 28 weeks (1 week 2 days from now) that he's going to want to deliver. The biggest danger right now is the placenta abruption which we all "think" is happening. If the placenta quickly comes loose the chance of Taylor making it is essentially nil. They won't be able to move fast enough to get her out. Michelle wants to permanently move her bed to a surgery room but even that wouldn't get the doctors there in time (though I wouldn't be surprised to see her trying to convince her doctor tomorrow). Moving down the danger skill, if the placenta slowly tears they'll watch Taylor and if she starts responding badly they'll deliver. If the placenta slowly tears away and only Michelle that's bleeding (and its manageable) they'll just give Michelle blood and try to keep her from delivering. The opposite of the end of the scale is that everything just chills out and we make it to 34 weeks and they deliver. I haven't a clue how this is going to turn out. Neither does our doctor (and he's an excellent doctor).

What a ride... I just want us all home and healthy for Christmas and that's the only thing I continually try to think about. But we are back to hour by hour right now. Hopefully tomorrow it goes back to day by day.

I will hopefully be back on-line and working tomorrow. The internet connection at this hospital is bizarre. I have to go find a sweet spot to get connected and then I can come back to the room and it works okay for a couple hours. Today my sweet spot stopped working. I finally got a connection tonight 1 floor down outside the cafeteria. Quite frustrating, but it works. Gets tiring though when you have 2 computers to get working (one for more, the other for Michelle or the kids). I feel quite stupid walking around the hospital with my laptop trying to find a spot that works. I suspect security will be visiting me soon. ;-)

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts and I repeat WE WILL NEVER GET PREGNANT AGAIN!

Moving day

We are moving to Salmon Creek today.

With Me

The endless nights
won't let me breathe
Awake in a daze with
darkness around me

I try not to remember
but I'm not so equipped
the past holds me too
tightly in its grip

I feel you beside me
I feel you in my arms
The peace surrounds me
basking in your warmth.

I could stay there forever
but it just goes away
leaving me to dream
about some future day

Its so far away
I wish I could just see
the light at the end
and get over me

I know we will escape
this endless melancholy
Hanging on to the day
I bring you home with me

The days brings no
end to the distress
This unexpected twist
life has given us

I've got to escape
this cancerous rut
This dreadful feeling
that sickens my gut

Got to move away from
dwelling in dispair
I have to get out
and come up for air

For its not forever
there will be an end
We will be stronger
than when it began

Its an uphill battle
time's a difficult enemy
But I'll find that light
that keeps eluding me

I'll climb out of
this endless melancholy
Hanging on to the day
I bring you home with me

There is someone
who will get us through
Its that little miracle
still inside of you

She's fighting so hard
for just a chance
To turn in her ticket
to life's strange dance

I want to see her face
and feel the glow from you
as you hold her tight
when one becomes two

Love will carry us and
love will have its way
the day she is born
will be a glorious day

And I will give everything
that's inside of me
To get me to the day
I bring her home with me

I love you so much
and need you beside me
Hanging on to the day
I bring you home with me

This week

This week the plan is for me to be at home Mon, Wed, Friday for most of the day and the rest of the time at the hospital.  On Mon, Wed, Friday I take the kids to the school in the morning, pick Tristan up at 11:30 in town (20 minutes,one way) and Haylee up at 3:30 at the bus stop. So they'll be times I'm online and off. Also, tomorrow morning is Tristan's second day of pre-school and he's already telling me I'm going to have to stay. His Aunt had to take him Friday and was able to leave him without him flipping out, so I'm hoping I'll be as lucky tomorrow as well. But if I don't answer my e-mail until after noon, you'll know why.

I've also got to get Haylee to the hospital a couple times this week to see her mom. Tristan will be with me at the hospital when I'm there. I'm home the opposite evenings (Sunday night, Tuesday night, Thursday night) to make sure the kids get to bed and try to have some routine in their lives. We're going to try this out and see how it works. I hate leaving Michelle with no one at the hospital. Thankfully, it looks like some family will be staying the nights I'm not there this week. After that though I fear it will get old for them.

On top of it all, if things go well we are wanting to switch hospitals as early as Wednesday. We want to be at Salmon Creek in Vancouver in case the baby does come early. They have a new neonatal intensive care unit there that has rooms for the babies and families. Emanuel is breaking ground on similar unit right now that will be completed in 3-5 years, but right now Salmon Creek is the place to be. If (and we are so hoping it will not happen) Taylor comes early, Michelle or myself will be with the her all the time. More importantly the "family room" environment vs the "one room with 38 babies in it" is much more conducive to the type of care that we want Taylor to have. There is much less stimulus, and we can do things like turning off the lights if that's what helps her. We have to wait until Wed because they require that the baby be at least 26 weeks along which we will hit Wed. Michelle told her doctor that she was going to hide out in his van when he drives up there (he works there too) if need be. Luckily he's on board with us and is trying to make it work out for us.

Anyway, I'll be working all I can, but its not going to be a continuous block of time and I'll be working on the weekends as well (there's only so much one can do in a hospital room anyway). I'm so sorry this so screwed up. My mother is coming in on Tuesday afternoon and I hope I can sneak away to the office for a couple hours. I'm hoping to get something more setup the following week.

In general things are going about as good as they can right now. The bleeding has stabilized (I almost hate saying that because it seems to jinx things). We had another ultrasound this morning and there still is amniotic fluid. There's an extremely small chance the bag has not broke, but its very small. If it hasn't broke, then the question is why the fluid is so low. And nobody knows why there's been so much bleeding. Its one big freaking mystery after another. The important thing is that Taylor and Michelle are both doing good. And if we can keep that going... that's what matters.

Thanks everyone for your patience with me, and for your thoughts and support. And rest assured, we will NEVER, NEVER, EVER, EVER get pregnant again!

At the hospital

We are at the hospital. They are not 100% sure yet but its looks like Michelle's water has indeed broke. She won't be leaving the hospital until she delivers which we are hoping will still be a long time now (November). If the water has broke, there's obviously a increased likelihood that Michelle will go into labor, which they will actively try to prevent. It also increases the chance of infection (she's back on antibiotics). They need to watch the baby to make sure she doesn't get stressed. If all goes well, they can keep her here a long time. The bleeding though is another issue. If its the placenta coming loose then the game changes. More wait and see...

Heading to hospital

We are heading to the hospital. There's more bleeding than yesterday. Some thing is obviously not right.

Back Home

We are back home again. It was a toss-up with whether or not they would admit Michelle to the hospital again or not. They decided to send her home and see what happens.

Just when I think things are going great, something happens that just makes the stomach turn and the heart start pounding. On top of it all, it started out with wild animals this morning. Sorry, but sometimes you just have to laugh at the absurdity of it all..

My morning started with being in the shower thinking about how much I needed my morning coffee (yes, I have one coffee a day before hooking up the tea to my veins). All of a sudden I heard feet running and there was Haylee pounding on the door yelling that there was a bunch of coyotes out by the chickens. I was hurrying to get out of the shower and get out there when I heard Michelle yelling at the dogs, trying to get our dogs outside to scare of the coyotes. Our dogs being the smart sort that immediately spring into action whenever trouble arises quickly laid down in the living room scared, trying to figure out what they had done wrong and why Michelle was yelling at them. I got dressed real quick and was trying to get Haylee to explain to me where the coyotes were and how many. Two and lots more was all I heard. Was there three? Maybe... Four... She didn't know. I looked at the window and saw none, so was even more confused. So there I was running around trying to figure out how I was going to scare off a pack of hungry coyotes and still look cool in the process (where's Sarah Palin when you really need her?) when Michelle started yelling from the bathroom. Those words I hate hearing "we have to go the doctor"... Ok, screw the chickens what's going on... bleeding again, this time worse... Oh no. Heart pounding like crazy by now.. And she had a back ache which probably was contractions.... Crap! (I actually used another word)... Coyotes apparently left (must have been scared off by the geese which apparently had given up on the dogs and were making enough noise to scare off anything) so it was time to get moving to get Haylee to school (thankfully her uncle was home and took her), Tristan to Great Grandma and Michelle to the doctor.... What a start to the day! All I wanted was my morning coffee..

Okay, funny story stops there... We're not exactly sure what is going on. It could be nothing. It could be that there is a small leak in the amniotic sack. It could be that the placenta is starting to come loose. I'm not sure how much detail is too much detail so I apologize if this too much. Michelle has been having some watery bleeding for the last 2 weeks. The doctors at first were a bit concerned that there was not enough amniotic fluid, but in the last check up it was back to normal. Anyway Michelle has been getting worried/convinced that there is a leak and we were worried about tomorrow's scheduled check up. The baby's activity has also backed off in the last couple days.

This morning though there was a lot of blood and the back ache was new (no major contractaction problems since we left the hospital). The ultrasound this morning did not look right. I'm not an expert here but have seen enough ultrasounds now to know that the fluid levels looked different. The doctor was concerned about that, and he was also concerned that the water looked cloudy (can't say I'm THAT advanced on ultrasound reading yet). He said that it could mean blood is getting in. Its okay for the baby for there to be blood in the amniotic fluid, but the concern is more about where its coming from. He didn't know for sure if its even a problem. They could do a amniocentesis to find out if there's blood or infection but nobody (the doctor included) wants to take the risk of that.

He was also concerned about a spot on the placenta and pointed that out to us. He said it could be a placenta lake he was seeing and that it wasn't to be worried about. Or (there is always an "or") it could be the placenta coming loose and a pool of blood which would explain where the blood is coming from. Okay, so the images of placenta lake that popped into my sick head didn't look very serene, but I'll just go with the lake theory for now...

So anyway, they hooked her up to the contraction and baby heart monitor for what seemed like a day and half. If there were any contractions, they'd admit her. If not, they might anyway. Michelle had one but no more which was good. The test seemed to wake up the sleeping kid as well and we swear she was throwing a temper tantrum in there (she hates the monitors). That was relieving to Michelle because of her recent inactivity. And the heart monitor was saying that the little one is really healthy (at least her heart is). They said they were seeing heart patterns that they wouldn't expect to see for several more weeks so it looked like she was advanced for her age. Which is a good thing...

Anyway, they sent us home and if anything changes we need to go back. Which reminds me, I should probably get out there and count chickens...