Sorry, its just my little journal.... And I just have to get this out of me before going on.
On Wed... We turned 28 weeks and had dreams about making it to 30. Part of us knew though. Michelle had some irritability that had been picking up on Tuesday and was still continuing on Wed. She was taking more nifedipine trying to counter it. But there was no new bleeding. This was good, but also not typical. Usually the bleeding would start, then the irritability, then the contractions. I was at home waiting for the kids to get out of school. Before I left to pick up Haylee, Michelle told me that it might be another night of magnesium. I picked up Haylee and headed to the hospital. We were hoping things would at least be stable enough so that she could see the kids for a while. If anything, I was feeling frustrated. We had tried so hard to reach 28 weeks, and we had done it, but we weren't even going to be able to enjoy it. Just for the record, I also told her flat out several times that under NO circumstance could anything be happening on Thursday because it was my intent to enjoy the OSU-USC football game. The #1 team in the nation in town... No way could anything happen!
Around 3 in the afternoon, she was taking a nap (the kids and myself were on the road to the hospital) and the nurse woke her up to put her and Taylor on the monitors for awhile (scheduled time). In the next 45 minutes or so, Taylor had some really bad descents in her heart rate. We've seen it before but not at this frequency and not as bad. Usually Michelle would just wiggle around and Taylor would get off her chord (or whatever she was doing) and things would be fine. Michelle said though that she couldn't get her to recover and she started getting really worried. Taylor eventually would recover, but everyone was nervous and doctors had been notified. Taylor did settle down, but the stress caused the contractions to get going. Our doctor logged in and saw the strip and kind of said "what's the big deal?" an then looked back at the time period when Taylor was stressing and said "oh". He told us if that would have continued it or if it started back up it that it would be an emergency c-section.
Anyway, I showed up with kids, but it wasn't long before I left the hospital with them. I met Grandpa halfway home to take them the rest of the way. The drive back to the hospital was just plain weird. I was sitting in rush hour traffic going back to Vancouver. I was numb, just flipping through the radio stations, listening to songs trying to figure out if there were any signs of what was ahead of us that night. It sounds real stupid, but I kid you not that there have been times that I just kind of knew things would be bad or good by what ever songs I stumbled across on the radio as I was driving back/forth from the hospital. Back when this all started I heard Good Vibrations on the radio several times, and just kind had a good feeling. Today almost every song had something to do about leaving.. I wasn't sure what to make of it. The last song really threw me for a loop (Boys are Back in Town). What the hell did that mean? It cheered me up a bit though and reasoned that it was a good song to hear when pulling up in the parking lot.
Anyway, the contractions weren't stopping and they were breaking through all the extra nifedipine that Michelle and her doctor were trying. It would work for about 1/2 hour only and then get bad again. Anyway, it wasn't very clear what to do next. Our "real" doctor left it up to Doctor Hopkins (he and the nurses had started calling Michelle that because she had been in charge for quite a while). Over time the two of them decided to try mag to see what would happen They gave her a big boost of it. She got sick again. It was horrible again. I finally had the feeling that I was done. I couldn't take it any longer. But I kept it to myself. Even though she got sick, her blood pressure did hold up but that was because her extended release nifedipine had worn off.
Basically at 10pm we had a decision to make. Her long term (high dosage) nifedipine was due, and we didn't know if it would work or not. If she had any more mag with the long term nifedipine, her blood pressure would most certainly tank and she would need to be taken of the mag. We weren't sure if nifedipine would be enough. Or she could not take the nifedipine and stay on mag through the night and see if that would stop it. The booster dosage of mag she was on had done a good job and for the most part had slowed things down. But it was done and some contractions had come back. Much to the surprise I think of a lot people Michelle decided to be on mag. I think most of them just assumed she would try the drug that wouldn't make her sick. But that's not Michelle. She wanted the contractions stopped and would do whatever she could and even though the mag was harsh on her, it had been doing the job. Super mom, I tell ya...
Unfortunately, it took about an hour for them to get things going again. Argh! They had to order the proper mag dosage, get it from the pharmacy and get the machine running. There are times when we have gotten frustrated with procedures and this was one them. By the time they got it going, the contractions had really picked up again and they were hurting Michelle. We were never able to get them back under control. Michelle started bleeding again, and it just started going down hill. She started going into labor and Michelle started getting really concerned about the cerclage as the contractions could just rip out the stitches and that would be bad. She got up to go the bathroom, and to my eyes things got extremely bad. I swore she went into shock. Michelle says it was just labor. Anyway, more blood and Michelle looked really bad (horribly pale). We got her back to bed and she was shaking and cold. We hooked up the monitors again (unhooked when she got up), and Taylor was doing horrible. It was really scary. Nurses started coming in and before we knew they were giving Michelle oxygen through a mask they pulled out of the wall. Things did stabilize some but we all came to the conclusion that it was time.
Thankfully, it was not an emergency c-section, and we had about 1 hour before it. Grandparents were called, I got to get my cool space/painter suit, and we were able to spend just a little time together. Neither of us really had much to say but just enjoyed each other's company and the doctor's company and just tried to stay positive. Michelle was to have a spinal and I was going to be able to be next to Michelle during it. We separated for a while as they took her to the room and got her prepped. I waited in the waiting room and figured it was probably a good time to try and figure out our new camera. ;-) I had been pretty numb about things for a while now so it wasn't too bad, but for whatever reason Great White's "All Right" song came out of the recesses of my mind and into my head. Could have been a worse song I guess.. I just kind sat there humming it and taking pictures of stupid things for what seemed like a very long time. The doctor came out and told me that we were waiting on the neonatologist. Michelle told me later that they were also debating whether or not the spinal was working well enough, and that they almost did a general instead (in which case I wouldn't have been allowed to be there). Anyway, after a while I was brought in and sat next to Michelle.
At 3:48 am Taylor was born. I didn't even realize it. Somebody said, "Dad, do you want to see?" and I stood up and said "sure", thinking that when I peeked over the sheet I would just see them working on Michelle. Instead there was Taylor. I kind of just went "oh wow" and time stood still for a minute. The doctor politely reminded me to take the picture and my hands fumbled around to do so (if anybody wants to see let me know - I didn't include it because she hadn't been cleaned up, but its a pretty cool picture). Anyway I took the picture, they took Taylor away, and I sat back down.
For the next 15-20 minutes I sat with Michelle as all the doctors worked their magic. It was strangely calm. Michelle was being grossed out by the procedure but over all doing well. For the most part we were both just numb. We had been numb for a quite a while. Its a very strange feeling. Your child is born and you just kind of sit and wait and don't think about anything. Its like that scene on the Simpsons were something important is happening but Homer is just sitting there humming circus music. Its just a dream and it feels so unreal. We couldn't see into the other room well enough to see Taylor but could see nurses standing around. By their composure and smiles and the fact that they weren't all running around crazy like, we felt pretty good.
After a while, they had work worked their miracles and she was stable. I was able to go in and see her. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to put it into words, but all I'm managing to do is cry... Sorry.... Its like you are standing in the eye of a very surreal slow moving tornado. Instead of dirt and debris flying around you its every freaking emotion in the world and pictures of people and places. Memories of everything we've been through, and everyone that has got us here. There's fear and anger and happiness and sadness and everything in between. You want to be happy because she's here, but you are sad because she's so little and fragile. You want to feel like like you did everything you could to get her this far, but you are mad that you couldn't do more. You want to feel relieved because the first ride is over, but you feel so guilty for feeling that way... You want to open your heart and let her in but you have to protect yourself because your scared of what's next... You want to believe... But yet its so unreal. And you need the most important person in your life to share it with you but that is impossible because she's in the other room. Touching your child helps, but you can't hold your child and you can't see what you really need to see and that's your child's face. Instead you just see all this stuff hooked up and covering her and she's so small and fragile... And yet so precious... And slowly the tornado just lifts up around you and your child and leaves you behind safe but extremely dazed.
I was able to get some pictures, and was able to relay on some things to Michelle ("I have some bad news, I think she has my ears"). And I was able to see that Michelle was fine and was able to see that Taylor was fine. I just sat there looking at Taylor awaiting the next steps. Michelle was wheeled by soon on her way to recovery. I felt so bad for her, but I was so glad that she had a chance to see her, and I was glad to see her. She then moved to the recovery room, and I moved with Taylor to the NICU and on to the next ride. All aboard..
As a quick side note, I did see a lot of the Beaver game and listened to the last part over the internet in Taylor's room. For once in my life, I was able to contain myself. Who knows, maybe Taylor became a Beaver fan that night too... Also, my brother is convinced that we need to have more kids. The day Tristan was born OSU travelled to a highly favored Cal and beat them. I love my OSU football, but I'm done with having kids.
On Wed... We turned 28 weeks and had dreams about making it to 30. Part of us knew though. Michelle had some irritability that had been picking up on Tuesday and was still continuing on Wed. She was taking more nifedipine trying to counter it. But there was no new bleeding. This was good, but also not typical. Usually the bleeding would start, then the irritability, then the contractions. I was at home waiting for the kids to get out of school. Before I left to pick up Haylee, Michelle told me that it might be another night of magnesium. I picked up Haylee and headed to the hospital. We were hoping things would at least be stable enough so that she could see the kids for a while. If anything, I was feeling frustrated. We had tried so hard to reach 28 weeks, and we had done it, but we weren't even going to be able to enjoy it. Just for the record, I also told her flat out several times that under NO circumstance could anything be happening on Thursday because it was my intent to enjoy the OSU-USC football game. The #1 team in the nation in town... No way could anything happen!
Around 3 in the afternoon, she was taking a nap (the kids and myself were on the road to the hospital) and the nurse woke her up to put her and Taylor on the monitors for awhile (scheduled time). In the next 45 minutes or so, Taylor had some really bad descents in her heart rate. We've seen it before but not at this frequency and not as bad. Usually Michelle would just wiggle around and Taylor would get off her chord (or whatever she was doing) and things would be fine. Michelle said though that she couldn't get her to recover and she started getting really worried. Taylor eventually would recover, but everyone was nervous and doctors had been notified. Taylor did settle down, but the stress caused the contractions to get going. Our doctor logged in and saw the strip and kind of said "what's the big deal?" an then looked back at the time period when Taylor was stressing and said "oh". He told us if that would have continued it or if it started back up it that it would be an emergency c-section.
Anyway, I showed up with kids, but it wasn't long before I left the hospital with them. I met Grandpa halfway home to take them the rest of the way. The drive back to the hospital was just plain weird. I was sitting in rush hour traffic going back to Vancouver. I was numb, just flipping through the radio stations, listening to songs trying to figure out if there were any signs of what was ahead of us that night. It sounds real stupid, but I kid you not that there have been times that I just kind of knew things would be bad or good by what ever songs I stumbled across on the radio as I was driving back/forth from the hospital. Back when this all started I heard Good Vibrations on the radio several times, and just kind had a good feeling. Today almost every song had something to do about leaving.. I wasn't sure what to make of it. The last song really threw me for a loop (Boys are Back in Town). What the hell did that mean? It cheered me up a bit though and reasoned that it was a good song to hear when pulling up in the parking lot.
Anyway, the contractions weren't stopping and they were breaking through all the extra nifedipine that Michelle and her doctor were trying. It would work for about 1/2 hour only and then get bad again. Anyway, it wasn't very clear what to do next. Our "real" doctor left it up to Doctor Hopkins (he and the nurses had started calling Michelle that because she had been in charge for quite a while). Over time the two of them decided to try mag to see what would happen They gave her a big boost of it. She got sick again. It was horrible again. I finally had the feeling that I was done. I couldn't take it any longer. But I kept it to myself. Even though she got sick, her blood pressure did hold up but that was because her extended release nifedipine had worn off.
Basically at 10pm we had a decision to make. Her long term (high dosage) nifedipine was due, and we didn't know if it would work or not. If she had any more mag with the long term nifedipine, her blood pressure would most certainly tank and she would need to be taken of the mag. We weren't sure if nifedipine would be enough. Or she could not take the nifedipine and stay on mag through the night and see if that would stop it. The booster dosage of mag she was on had done a good job and for the most part had slowed things down. But it was done and some contractions had come back. Much to the surprise I think of a lot people Michelle decided to be on mag. I think most of them just assumed she would try the drug that wouldn't make her sick. But that's not Michelle. She wanted the contractions stopped and would do whatever she could and even though the mag was harsh on her, it had been doing the job. Super mom, I tell ya...
Unfortunately, it took about an hour for them to get things going again. Argh! They had to order the proper mag dosage, get it from the pharmacy and get the machine running. There are times when we have gotten frustrated with procedures and this was one them. By the time they got it going, the contractions had really picked up again and they were hurting Michelle. We were never able to get them back under control. Michelle started bleeding again, and it just started going down hill. She started going into labor and Michelle started getting really concerned about the cerclage as the contractions could just rip out the stitches and that would be bad. She got up to go the bathroom, and to my eyes things got extremely bad. I swore she went into shock. Michelle says it was just labor. Anyway, more blood and Michelle looked really bad (horribly pale). We got her back to bed and she was shaking and cold. We hooked up the monitors again (unhooked when she got up), and Taylor was doing horrible. It was really scary. Nurses started coming in and before we knew they were giving Michelle oxygen through a mask they pulled out of the wall. Things did stabilize some but we all came to the conclusion that it was time.
Thankfully, it was not an emergency c-section, and we had about 1 hour before it. Grandparents were called, I got to get my cool space/painter suit, and we were able to spend just a little time together. Neither of us really had much to say but just enjoyed each other's company and the doctor's company and just tried to stay positive. Michelle was to have a spinal and I was going to be able to be next to Michelle during it. We separated for a while as they took her to the room and got her prepped. I waited in the waiting room and figured it was probably a good time to try and figure out our new camera. ;-) I had been pretty numb about things for a while now so it wasn't too bad, but for whatever reason Great White's "All Right" song came out of the recesses of my mind and into my head. Could have been a worse song I guess.. I just kind sat there humming it and taking pictures of stupid things for what seemed like a very long time. The doctor came out and told me that we were waiting on the neonatologist. Michelle told me later that they were also debating whether or not the spinal was working well enough, and that they almost did a general instead (in which case I wouldn't have been allowed to be there). Anyway, after a while I was brought in and sat next to Michelle.
At 3:48 am Taylor was born. I didn't even realize it. Somebody said, "Dad, do you want to see?" and I stood up and said "sure", thinking that when I peeked over the sheet I would just see them working on Michelle. Instead there was Taylor. I kind of just went "oh wow" and time stood still for a minute. The doctor politely reminded me to take the picture and my hands fumbled around to do so (if anybody wants to see let me know - I didn't include it because she hadn't been cleaned up, but its a pretty cool picture). Anyway I took the picture, they took Taylor away, and I sat back down.
For the next 15-20 minutes I sat with Michelle as all the doctors worked their magic. It was strangely calm. Michelle was being grossed out by the procedure but over all doing well. For the most part we were both just numb. We had been numb for a quite a while. Its a very strange feeling. Your child is born and you just kind of sit and wait and don't think about anything. Its like that scene on the Simpsons were something important is happening but Homer is just sitting there humming circus music. Its just a dream and it feels so unreal. We couldn't see into the other room well enough to see Taylor but could see nurses standing around. By their composure and smiles and the fact that they weren't all running around crazy like, we felt pretty good.
After a while, they had work worked their miracles and she was stable. I was able to go in and see her. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to put it into words, but all I'm managing to do is cry... Sorry.... Its like you are standing in the eye of a very surreal slow moving tornado. Instead of dirt and debris flying around you its every freaking emotion in the world and pictures of people and places. Memories of everything we've been through, and everyone that has got us here. There's fear and anger and happiness and sadness and everything in between. You want to be happy because she's here, but you are sad because she's so little and fragile. You want to feel like like you did everything you could to get her this far, but you are mad that you couldn't do more. You want to feel relieved because the first ride is over, but you feel so guilty for feeling that way... You want to open your heart and let her in but you have to protect yourself because your scared of what's next... You want to believe... But yet its so unreal. And you need the most important person in your life to share it with you but that is impossible because she's in the other room. Touching your child helps, but you can't hold your child and you can't see what you really need to see and that's your child's face. Instead you just see all this stuff hooked up and covering her and she's so small and fragile... And yet so precious... And slowly the tornado just lifts up around you and your child and leaves you behind safe but extremely dazed.
I was able to get some pictures, and was able to relay on some things to Michelle ("I have some bad news, I think she has my ears"). And I was able to see that Michelle was fine and was able to see that Taylor was fine. I just sat there looking at Taylor awaiting the next steps. Michelle was wheeled by soon on her way to recovery. I felt so bad for her, but I was so glad that she had a chance to see her, and I was glad to see her. She then moved to the recovery room, and I moved with Taylor to the NICU and on to the next ride. All aboard..
As a quick side note, I did see a lot of the Beaver game and listened to the last part over the internet in Taylor's room. For once in my life, I was able to contain myself. Who knows, maybe Taylor became a Beaver fan that night too... Also, my brother is convinced that we need to have more kids. The day Tristan was born OSU travelled to a highly favored Cal and beat them. I love my OSU football, but I'm done with having kids.
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