New Doctor Today

Michelle stayed the night with Taylor last night and they sounded like they had kind of a bad experience around 3:30 in the morning. Taylor somehow managed to rip her C-PAP off and remove her feeding tube. You gotta like the spirit. Apparently, the nurse wasn't as enthusiastic. I'm a little confused if it was before, during or after but it sounds like the nurse was changing her diaper an there was also a mighty explosion. Probably all related, somehow but I guess the nurse wasn't too thrilled. Kind of upset Michelle a little. It sounds like the nurse might been running out of patience. 

Today we have a new doctor. They rotate around here, and we had her the day that Taylor was born, but so far have grown up so to speak with just one doctor to talk with.  Anyway she checked out Taylor and things for the most part are still good. They upped her feedings again and will start fortifying it tomorrow. They are also beginning to wean her off of her ivs and may remove the PIC line on Sunday or Monday. She is a bit concerned about Taylor's apnea spells (they are not getting better and may be worse) and bumped up her caffeine intake (I could use a bump too). Apparently Taylor was not on very much and she tends to use a higher dosage. I'm a little confused on how this is administered. I thought it went in the IV as well, but if they are upping the dosage I'm not sure how they can be thinking that they can remove the PIC. Anyway, a question for tomorrow.

Taylor is now back to her birth weight! 2 lbs and 7 oz! Time to grow!!!!

Taylor's head problems continue. The doctor seemed pretty open to Michelle's idea and was only concerned that the material being used had to be natural like cotton, so they could avoid any allergy related problems. We also found out we can't have plants in the room (oops) because of allergy issues as well. 

The other nurse who does the PIC line was in today and she cleaned up the the PIC spot finally. It had old blood sitting there an it looked horrible. She didn't want the old blood there because of infection potential. 

Michelle said that she had a moment today where she actually felt a bit like a momma. She was holding her while they were taking her temperature and blood pressure taken. Taylor hates having her blood pressure taken, and she got very upset. Michelle said that she rocked her and soothed her and said shhh and all that stuff and Taylor stopped crying almost immediately. Michelle also said that she thought Taylor's lungs were growing. Apparently there were some good loud cries before she settled down.

Taylor's oxygen saturation problems have continued today. It appears to almost 100% related to how well the C-PAP is working. There was a couple times today you could tell it wasn't working at all and sure enough she was having problems. They keep bumping up her oxygen. Then someone gets the C-PAP working right (the seal is coming loose from her nose some) an then her oxygen levels go to high and they turn it down. She just had another round that kind of disproved that though. The C-PAP is working okay (you can see and hear bubbles) but for whatever reason her saturation levels really dropped. Her heart rate was up a bit. And she was moving around. I don't know. Perhaps she's pooping or something. Anyway, she's back up on the oxygen levels again. Sigh.

You would think a gadget guy like me would like all these cool colorful graphs and monitors, but I'm really just getting sick of them.  I'm now trying to understand the graph that is next to the oxygen saturation numbers on the monitor. The pulse oximeter that is hooked up to Taylor shows some her oxygen sat numbers and a fancy graph called a Pleth Variablity Index. Its supposedly an algorithm that allows for continuous and automatic estimation of respiratory variations. Alas, I a just a mortal and can't for the life of me figure out what I am looking at. I'll have to wait to ask a nurse sometime.

I'm staying tonight and looking forward to holding Taylor. We won't go without the C-PAP tonight, but that's okay. I've been missing her.

1 week old

Taylor is 1 week old today!

Michelle stayed last night with her and is staying tonight as well. I'm at home with the kids. Its felt good to be home some but I miss Taylor. Had a strange dream in the middle of the night last night where I woke up with the kids beside me (Haylee and Tristan slept in my bed last night) and I was being kicked in the head by Tristan. I was yelling at them to watch out for Taylor who was laying down by feet. I woke up and didn't have a clue where I was. Perhaps its because I was truly being kicked in the head by Tristan at the time. Just weird.

Poor Taylor had a worse night. They respiratory people came in to do their normal hat check (where they change the C-PAP pipes in Taylor's nose) and they weren't paying close enough attention. Some water was in the pipes and they dumped right down Taylor's nose. She had problems breathing, her heart rate plummeted, and alarms were going off. Apparently the technician just kind of shook it off and said something along the lines of "it happens". It really ticked Michelle off. Anyway, this morning the doctor heard a crackling sound in Taylor's lungs. Michelle told him what happened and he was mad. Apparently, they don't even report things like that which just seems wrong to me. If Michelle wouldn't have been there, the doctor wouldn't even have known. 

The C-PAP is still causing irritation and blistering on poor Taylor's head. The doctor thinks she's more affected by it than the other babies around here because her head's more narrow. Apparently she doesn't have a big head like her dad. Probably best for her anyway. Michelle may end up being an inventor before all this is through though. She's racking her brain trying to figure out a way to solve the problem. We all would just like the C-PAP to go away. Maybe a week or two still. 

Michelle and myself have been talking a lot today about everything and starting to come up with some plans. We want Tristan and Haylee home as much as possible and for them to get back to somewhat of a normal life as much as possible. We are trying to build our schedule around them. We also want one family day/night where we are all at home. I think this would be a big boost to all of us. This whole thing is wearing on us pretty hard right now, but hopefully if we can get a routine worked out it will get better.

I needed to go home yesterday. My nerves were already on end and then we got one of the worst nurses for us. One of those holier than thou types who has 28 years of experience in working with babies but apparently has no experience in dealing with people. She got under my skin immediately. We had a severe lack of communication going on. By the time Michelle came in I could only smile when she asked how our nurse was. She kept going on and on and on and on about how she does things and how she has 28 years experience and how she realizes that maybe we've been doing things differently, and dang it she wished there were not so much variance between the nurses, but be sure that her 28 years experience was good for our daughter. I was ready to blow. Michelle had enough of her and went to the bathroom, and the nurse just kept going on and on. Finally I had it an told her off. She was better and more willing to do things "our way" then even if they weren't right. My nerves were blown. I felt like I had about 20 cups of coffee in me. I was jittery an anxious and just ready to pounce. I needed to go home so did and I took it out on the house. Michelle will probably wish she sent me home sooner. I even mopped! Until I broke the mop. 

Day 6

Taylor continues doing good. She gained a little weight and is back up to 2 lbs 5 oz (2 oz short of her birth weight). She's not pooping enough though so I'm not confident that's a good thing. This is quickly turning into a crappy conversation, but... Her meconium is starting to turn yellow which is good, but they would like to see more waste. I am confident in saying that these will be the only times that I wish for a full diaper. Anyway her bilirubium has gone back up a little so its something to be a little concerned about. They have not yet put her back under the light yet, and we'd like to keep it that way. When she's under the light she has to have those "shades" on and we can't see her eyes. We love seeing her eyes. She's been awake and really alert now a couple times and those eyes just melt you. I don't know if she's focusing or not but she has definitely moved her head to voices or people. Anyway, its really sweet.

Her Oxygen saturation levels have not been as stable as in the past. Yesterday afternoon and this afternoon the alarm has been sounding a lot more than in the past. Sometime during the night last night they started giving her some oxygen, but that was turned off today. I have to find out from the night nurse why they did that. I remember the alarms sounding last night, and I knew people were in the room, but I was too tired and too comfortable to get up. Anyway, yesterday they said it might be a little reflux causing it. They've upped her feeding levels so its possible. Last night when Michelle was doing kangaroo care (skin to skin holding) she said she saw a little milk near her mouth, as if she burped it up. Its possible. Its also expected that her sat level will vary like this. A couple of nurses have told us now that she's basically on her honeymoon, and that things will get more rough along the way as they try to get fully on breast milk and as she grows.

The PIC line went in today. Its an IV line that was inserted through the leg and goes up to around the heart. Its supposed to last a long time before needing replaced, and can handle larger doses of stuff. It tore Michelle up pretty good. We couldn't be in the room (they needed a sterile environment they say) so went to the lounge area to eat the breakfast they brought. There were a couple english muffins that needed toasting, and Michelle brought them to the nurses station to have them do it. The nurses station is in front of our room. She heard Taylor screaming a couple really big cries. It didn't help that the nurse later told us that "everything went ok, she didn't even make a noise." Argh! Scratch one nurse from our trust list. Anyway, it was a tough choice, but one that I think made sense to do (I was maybe 60/40 in favor of it, Michelle was probably 50.000000001/49.99999999). I saw them go through 3 veins on Saturday until they finally got it right on the 4th, so I was more in favor. The doctor wanted it. Michelle wanted to wait it out a week and hopefully Taylor would be off of IVs by then. But she finally gave in, and the PIC went in today. During the procedure, I was talking to another mother with twins born at 28 weeks about it and she was telling me how they had a lot of problems getting the PIC lines in place. She didn't say it directly, but did in other ways that she didn't have much confidence in the nurse that did it. Not what you want to here when that nurse is in with your baby.

Lets see what else.. While I've been writing this, they bumped her oxygen level back up because her sat levels were staying so low. I can't wait until she's off the C-PAP but apparently she's needing it. We are going to try something new tonight though. Michelle came up with the idea and got the ok from the doctor this morning, to take her of C-PAP for about 1/2 hour tonight when she's doing kangaroo care with me (yes, guys can do it too).. The idea is to give her a break from the C-PAP a little while she's most comfortable during the day (which is when she's being held by Michelle or myself). It promotes growth a bit, gives them a larger chance to see how she would do off of it, and (okay this is a bit weird) allows Taylor to get to suckle a bit. Ok, that sounds really bizarre when I write that, so we'll just move on... It may not happen tonight anyway because of her sat levels.

Michelle's going nuts with the whole breast-pumping thing. I'm sure she loves me mentioning this, but its really frustrating her. She's supposed to do it every 3 hours or so. She hates it. I reminded her that "Happy cows make happy milk". Luckily she didn't have anything next to her that she could throw at me. Then she told me that I got the quote wrong, and that its not milk but cheese. I like cheese, but I'll skip on that kind.

I actually got 6 pretty good hours of sleep last night. Michelle got discharged yesterday and she stayed in Taylor's room with me last night. I'm not sure she was too crazy about sleeping in the small little day bed they have with me, but I just squeezed up against the wall, grabbed on and wouldn't let go. Its been a long time since I could hold her in my arms at night, and snore in her ear. I woke up a couple times when nurses came in because of alarms, but I was so tired and my arms felt too good to let go. Ok... truth be told.. my back had turned into plywood, and my right arm had lost so much blood that I couldn't move it even if I tried. It ached really bad in the morning. But I had a good night.

Michelle went home for the first time in I don't even remember how many weeks. Its been kind of  a down day emotionally.  First the PIC, and second knowing that Michelle would be heading home tonight. I'm so glad she can leave the hospital after all she's been through, but she's not the type to leave her baby...  But she's got 2 at  home as well. And she hasn't seen her horses or her home in  a very long time. It was really hard on her and I probably just made it worse by my attitude today.  Its very difficult dealing with some of these emotions.  Sometimes you  have very little control over what you feel and just the opposite of  what you want to be comes out. When you want to be sweet and nice sometimes your an ass. When you want to be calm, cool and collected sometimes you are just a basket case. When you want to be happy, sometimes you just start bawling because somebody sneezed.  Anyway,  this is starting to sound like some stupid Doogie Howser diary entry, so I'll shut up.

We've been trying to figure out how to work all this out, and we have not come up with any grand solution yet. Michelle's home tonight, and she will be back tomorrow morning after taking the kids to school. The nurse let out a gasp when she heard that Michelle drove herself home (she's not supposed to be doing that). I just kind of smiled and said, "yeah, I know...". Hopefully she doesn't go home and decide to take a bale of hay out to the horses. I'm not really joking about that. All I can do is suggest that she shouldn't, and hope that kids keep her real occupied. But she's too strong-willed for any of us. Anyway, one of us will be heading back home tomorrow. I want to be home on Thursday to watch the OSU-Utah game (I have to be selfish once in a while), so will plan for that night and let Michelle pick what she wants the rest of the week.

Its weird being left behind for a change. I have Taylor so I know its easier on me than when the kids and I would leave Michelle (although at least Michelle had a TV in her room). I felt horrible for Michelle though. I can't imagine what a mom leaving her baby at the hospital feels like, but I assume its worse than I felt leaving her behind (especially when she was unstable) and it ripped me in half every single time. So it must be extremely horrible. I know from experience that it doesn't get easier either. Its going to be some real rough weeks ahead as we work through all of this and try to keep everyone in our family happy. I'm looking forward to Saturday. Tristan is turning 5 on Saturday and we all are going to try to stay here at the hospital that night together. There are 2 family (hotel type) rooms available here, and we are going to try to get one. Taylor would need to be her room, but it would be the first time the 4 of were together at night for a long time.

Anyhoo, the sob fest is over for the night. On the plus side of things, I actually got something done today (getting the Flight tracker ad changes in place for Virtually There). That felt real good. I hope to be able to swing by for at least an hour this week sometime. That is if I can figure out where you are all. Even with all the stuff that was going on last Thursday and Friday, I was thinking about all of you and the big move. I can't wait to see the new office and figure out where you all put my stuff. I'm imagining some storage room somewhere. Just be warned if you took my stapler! "I'll burn the whole place down!"

One quick note about something from the night Taylor was delivered. Michelle made friends with a lot of the nurses and they kept coming by talking with her and keeping her up late in the night. Through them, we've learned some about what happened. I mentioned in my e-mail about how we couldn't see anything in Taylor's room but did see a couple nurses standing around kind of smiling and chit-chatting and how that made us feel a little calmer about what was going on in there. Looks sure can be deceiving. Turns out that they were 2 trainees attending their 2nd c-section and neither had seen a 28 week delivery before. They hadn't a clue what was going on and were probably scared shitless. I guess it was pretty rough in there. Our nurse said that she was very concerned at first. Taylor was blue and limp. Her initial apgar was 4. She couldn't remember what Taylor got points for but it wasn't for color or activity. She told us that she was starting to think the worse, but that eventually Taylor started responding and got better. Over time, I am going to try to find out more from some of the other people that were involved. Not that it matters much in the long run, buts its 15-20 minutes (probably the most important minutes) of our daughter's life and it would be nice to know what she went through. Anyway... I don't know who those trainees were but I'd like to thank them for putting on a brave face and making me relax a little.

The Happiest Moment of My Life

This is a picture that I took just after midnight last Friday night / Saturday morning when Michelle got to hold Taylor in her arms for the first time. She didn't let go for over 2 hours. It was the happiest moment of my life.

Life in the NICU

First and foremost, Taylor has been doing fantastic! She is still on CPAP which helps with her breathing, but she has not had any oxygen being provided since the day she was born. She's breathing room air. She goes off the CPAP machine 2 times daily so they can change out the headpiece and make sure that the CPAP tubing is not irritating her skin or anything. Those 2 times a day are extremely magical for Michelle and myself, as we get to see Taylor's face and head. I'm obviously biased but she's pretty dang cute! Anyway, she does excellent during those times but they say that she would probably tire herself out if she was left off for a 1/2 day. So they leave her on it so that she doesn't. Everything they do is all about minimizing the amount of energy she has to spend so that the limited amount of energy she does have can be used to help her grow. For example, her bed is heated at the perfect temp so she doesn't spend any energy heating or cooling herself.

The CPAP machine though takes some getting used to. Its just plain hard to see her face all covered up. Its like she goes from being your baby to some alien life-form w/ some alien gadgetry to breath "our" air. On top of this, her biliribun was high and they had under white light from Friday to yesterday. The light will damage their eyes, so they cover them with some foam type padding. They try to make it cute by painting some sunglasses on the top of the foam, but to be honest it just kind of makes it worse. It adds to the alien effect. Sometimes I think she looks like an astronaut or a race car driver or other things. She doesn't look like my baby though and up until yesterday when she was taken off the light we couldn't see her eyes (except when for those 2 times a day when they took everything off). Some say that the eyes are the window to the soul, and when you see her eyes, it just makes you tingle...

She has been fighting through some sleep apnea problems which is totally expected. Her nervous system is not fully developed. When she stresses, or when she falls into a deep sleep, she sometimes forgets to breathe. She's wired to all sorts of monitors and these really loud alarms go off. Sometimes she recovers on her own (getting more common), other times she has to be rubbed pretty vigorously to get her going again. We were prepared for it, so it doesn't freak us out or anything. It can be unnerving though at 4 in the morning when you finally get to sleep and those alarms go off.

Overall, she's been kicking some baby booty... We were told that she would need to have surfacant (a soapy like substance that helps reduce friction in the air sacs so that the sacs can inflate/deflate correctly). She hasn't. That's good for 2 reasons: one her lungs are doing it on their own, and two because they would need to put a breathing tube in to administer it, and there's risk that the process could damage thing. She has a feeding tube and is continually taking milk from Michelle via it (Michelle pumps and gets it into vials which then are hooked up to machines to feed it). They keep upping her dosage everyday and watching how her guts handle it. So far, so good. Let's see what else.... She is off of anti-biotics now, but is still taking fats and vitamins and other stuff via IV. She will continue for at least a week on those. She is a fighter and anytime people start messing with her she lets them know she's unhappy about it. Everybody comments how feisty she is. I guess its not common. But hey we've known that even before she was born.

She so far does not have a PIC line (a special IV that delivers everything right near the heart) but has the peripheral form. Unfortunately the peripheral kind doesn't last very long. On Saturday they had to replace the first one. It was so sad. It took them about an hour and 4 separate tries to get one to work. As crappy as I felt for Taylor and even myself, I felt real bad for the nurses. These guys are incredibly compassionate and it was about killing them that they had to keep poking. Anyway, the PIC line has been a bit of a story. We were told originally that she would get one 2-3 days after being born. They tried doing it the day she was born and that rightly upset Michelle (Taylor already had been through so much). It was because of staffing issues. Michelle pleaded with them to do it another day (its not Taylor's fault they only have one person right now that can do it). As always Michelle wins people's hearts and the lady came in the next day (her day off) to do it. Unfortunately, it didn't work and they have to try again (sometime today). Michelle is really thinking hard about whether or not she wants it done at all now as it will hopefully only be another 6 days that Taylor would need IV. The PIC has some risks associated it and they are rather severe in some cases. I'm not totally sure where I stand, but don't want see what happened on Saturday happen again.

As for us... Michelle is getting discharged from the hospital today. Basically we are just moving her stuff to Taylor's room. We have yet to figure out how to work this out. We do know that somebody will be with Taylor at all times. We love the staff so far and trust them, but there's only so much comfort that they can provide and we are the most important people in Taylor's life. Babies need their parents. There are babies here that have no-one with them. Its very sad, especially at night. It's a weird environment. It seems that the place comes alive at night with alarms sounding everywhere and babies crying. Its probably just because you are visiting with other people during the day and don't notice it as much, or because you are trying to sleep a little at night, but it gets real noisy at night. I say that, but as I'm typing I've heard alarms going off in other rooms. Anyway, I am so, so, so glad that we made the move to this hospital. These private rooms are so nice. We can control the lighting and can shut the door which blocks off a lot of the other noise. We can also sleep (or least pretend) here at night. At Emanuel it was just one room with 38 babies and their alarms and their company, etc..

Except for a few bits of time here and there, I have been with Taylor since she was born. Michelle comes over during the days to be with us. She wasn't able to be here much the day Taylor was born because Michelle got really sick, but since then she's been living over here during the day. She'll move in today. Anyway, its been surreal but wonderful at times. I haven't got much sleep at all. Last night was my best night of sleep and that was about 4 interrupted hours. The alarms will go off or Taylor will start fussing, etc... and I'll be up for a while with her. The nurses are also in here continually checking on Taylor, and doing routine jobs. I think my usefulness at night though is fading a bit. The lack of sleep is catching up and my response times to alarms is slowing. The nurses come running anyway, but its not quite the same at least to me. We are here for our baby girl... Anyway, sometime today or tomorrow I'll probably go home and see if I can crash.

Its been very emotional for us these last few days. We've been through so much that we are constantly bouncing around emotionally. Taylor has won our hearts but I would be lying if I said that we've dropped our walls. Everything has been going so great, and I want to believe that we're through the worse, but I can't do that yet. Every time I've done that in the past something has always gone wrong. The first 2 days were especially hard. Michelle was emotional and mad at herself for being so. She got so much better when she was able to come over with Taylor. Those 2 days were really hard for me to get out of my fog, but Taylor is working on me and like her mom she's pretty persistent. Friday morning around 2 in the morning, she was fussing pretty good. I was trying to calm her and all that and I just kind of smiled.... Behind all that alien gear was a baby. A baby that was no different than Tristan or Haylee, except that she is so much smaller and needs us more. It woke me up. Yesterday morning at 4:30 in the morning I got to hold her in my hands for the first time. It was just for a minute or two, but it was real special. Last night, I got to hold her in my arms for a couple hours. I can't describe the feeling and won't even try.

I'm not sure how much I'll be online today. I'm really tired, we have to get Michelle discharged, and Michelle and myself have got to try and come up with some kind of plan from here on out.

Delivery Day

Sorry, its just my little journal.... And I just have to get this out of me before going on.

On Wed... We turned 28 weeks and had dreams about making it to 30. Part of us knew though. Michelle had some irritability that had been picking up on Tuesday and was still continuing on Wed. She was taking more nifedipine trying to counter it. But there was no new bleeding. This was good, but also not typical. Usually the bleeding would start, then the irritability, then the contractions. I was at home waiting for the kids to get out of school. Before I left to pick up Haylee, Michelle told me that it might be another night of magnesium. I picked up Haylee and headed to the hospital. We were hoping things would at least be stable enough so that she could see the kids for a while. If anything, I was feeling frustrated. We had tried so hard to reach 28 weeks, and we had done it, but we weren't even going to be able to enjoy it. Just for the record, I also told her flat out several times that under NO circumstance could anything be happening on Thursday because it was my intent to enjoy the OSU-USC football game. The #1 team in the nation in town... No way could anything happen!

Around 3 in the afternoon, she was taking a nap (the kids and myself were on the road to the hospital) and the nurse woke her up to put her and Taylor on the monitors for awhile (scheduled time). In the next 45 minutes or so, Taylor had some really bad descents in her heart rate. We've seen it before but not at this frequency and not as bad. Usually Michelle would just wiggle around and Taylor would get off her chord (or whatever she was doing) and things would be fine. Michelle said though that she couldn't get her to recover and she started getting really worried. Taylor eventually would recover, but everyone was nervous and doctors had been notified. Taylor did settle down, but the stress caused the contractions to get going. Our doctor logged in and saw the strip and kind of said "what's the big deal?" an then looked back at the time period when Taylor was stressing and said "oh". He told us if that would have continued it or if it started back up it that it would be an emergency c-section.

Anyway, I showed up with kids, but it wasn't long before I left the hospital with them. I met Grandpa halfway home to take them the rest of the way. The drive back to the hospital was just plain weird. I was sitting in rush hour traffic going back to Vancouver. I was numb, just flipping through the radio stations, listening to songs trying to figure out if there were any signs of what was ahead of us that night. It sounds real stupid, but I kid you not that there have been times that I just kind of knew things would be bad or good by what ever songs I stumbled across on the radio as I was driving back/forth from the hospital. Back when this all started I heard Good Vibrations on the radio several times, and just kind had a good feeling. Today almost every song had something to do about leaving.. I wasn't sure what to make of it. The last song really threw me for a loop (Boys are Back in Town). What the hell did that mean? It cheered me up a bit though and reasoned that it was a good song to hear when pulling up in the parking lot.

Anyway, the contractions weren't stopping and they were breaking through all the extra nifedipine that Michelle and her doctor were trying. It would work for about 1/2 hour only and then get bad again. Anyway, it wasn't very clear what to do next. Our "real" doctor left it up to Doctor Hopkins (he and the nurses had started calling Michelle that because she had been in charge for quite a while). Over time the two of them decided to try mag to see what would happen They gave her a big boost of it. She got sick again. It was horrible again. I finally had the feeling that I was done. I couldn't take it any longer. But I kept it to myself. Even though she got sick, her blood pressure did hold up but that was because her extended release nifedipine had worn off.

Basically at 10pm we had a decision to make. Her long term (high dosage) nifedipine was due, and we didn't know if it would work or not. If she had any more mag with the long term nifedipine, her blood pressure would most certainly tank and she would need to be taken of the mag. We weren't sure if nifedipine would be enough. Or she could not take the nifedipine and stay on mag through the night and see if that would stop it. The booster dosage of mag she was on had done a good job and for the most part had slowed things down. But it was done and some contractions had come back. Much to the surprise I think of a lot people Michelle decided to be on mag. I think most of them just assumed she would try the drug that wouldn't make her sick. But that's not Michelle. She wanted the contractions stopped and would do whatever she could and even though the mag was harsh on her, it had been doing the job. Super mom, I tell ya...

Unfortunately, it took about an hour for them to get things going again. Argh! They had to order the proper mag dosage, get it from the pharmacy and get the machine running. There are times when we have gotten frustrated with procedures and this was one them. By the time they got it going, the contractions had really picked up again and they were hurting Michelle. We were never able to get them back under control. Michelle started bleeding again, and it just started going down hill. She started going into labor and Michelle started getting really concerned about the cerclage as the contractions could just rip out the stitches and that would be bad. She got up to go the bathroom, and to my eyes things got extremely bad. I swore she went into shock. Michelle says it was just labor. Anyway, more blood and Michelle looked really bad (horribly pale). We got her back to bed and she was shaking and cold. We hooked up the monitors again (unhooked when she got up), and Taylor was doing horrible. It was really scary. Nurses started coming in and before we knew they were giving Michelle oxygen through a mask they pulled out of the wall. Things did stabilize some but we all came to the conclusion that it was time.

Thankfully, it was not an emergency c-section, and we had about 1 hour before it. Grandparents were called, I got to get my cool space/painter suit, and we were able to spend just a little time together. Neither of us really had much to say but just enjoyed each other's company and the doctor's company and just tried to stay positive. Michelle was to have a spinal and I was going to be able to be next to Michelle during it. We separated for a while as they took her to the room and got her prepped. I waited in the waiting room and figured it was probably a good time to try and figure out our new camera. ;-) I had been pretty numb about things for a while now so it wasn't too bad, but for whatever reason Great White's "All Right" song came out of the recesses of my mind and into my head. Could have been a worse song I guess.. I just kind sat there humming it and taking pictures of stupid things for what seemed like a very long time. The doctor came out and told me that we were waiting on the neonatologist. Michelle told me later that they were also debating whether or not the spinal was working well enough, and that they almost did a general instead (in which case I wouldn't have been allowed to be there). Anyway, after a while I was brought in and sat next to Michelle.

At 3:48 am Taylor was born. I didn't even realize it. Somebody said, "Dad, do you want to see?" and I stood up and said "sure", thinking that when I peeked over the sheet I would just see them working on Michelle. Instead there was Taylor. I kind of just went "oh wow" and time stood still for a minute. The doctor politely reminded me to take the picture and my hands fumbled around to do so (if anybody wants to see let me know - I didn't include it because she hadn't been cleaned up, but its a pretty cool picture). Anyway I took the picture, they took Taylor away, and I sat back down.

For the next 15-20 minutes I sat with Michelle as all the doctors worked their magic. It was strangely calm. Michelle was being grossed out by the procedure but over all doing well. For the most part we were both just numb. We had been numb for a quite a while. Its a very strange feeling. Your child is born and you just kind of sit and wait and don't think about anything. Its like that scene on the Simpsons were something important is happening but Homer is just sitting there humming circus music. Its just a dream and it feels so unreal. We couldn't see into the other room well enough to see Taylor but could see nurses standing around. By their composure and smiles and the fact that they weren't all running around crazy like, we felt pretty good.

After a while, they had work worked their miracles and she was stable. I was able to go in and see her. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to put it into words, but all I'm managing to do is cry... Sorry.... Its like you are standing in the eye of a very surreal slow moving tornado. Instead of dirt and debris flying around you its every freaking emotion in the world and pictures of people and places. Memories of everything we've been through, and everyone that has got us here. There's fear and anger and happiness and sadness and everything in between. You want to be happy because she's here, but you are sad because she's so little and fragile. You want to feel like like you did everything you could to get her this far, but you are mad that you couldn't do more. You want to feel relieved because the first ride is over, but you feel so guilty for feeling that way... You want to open your heart and let her in but you have to protect yourself because your scared of what's next... You want to believe... But yet its so unreal. And you need the most important person in your life to share it with you but that is impossible because she's in the other room. Touching your child helps, but you can't hold your child and you can't see what you really need to see and that's your child's face. Instead you just see all this stuff hooked up and covering her and she's so small and fragile... And yet so precious... And slowly the tornado just lifts up around you and your child and leaves you behind safe but extremely dazed.

I was able to get some pictures, and was able to relay on some things to Michelle ("I have some bad news, I think she has my ears"). And I was able to see that Michelle was fine and was able to see that Taylor was fine. I just sat there looking at Taylor awaiting the next steps. Michelle was wheeled by soon on her way to recovery. I felt so bad for her, but I was so glad that she had a chance to see her, and I was glad to see her. She then moved to the recovery room, and I moved with Taylor to the NICU and on to the next ride. All aboard..

As a quick side note, I did see a lot of the Beaver game and listened to the last part over the internet in Taylor's room. For once in my life, I was able to contain myself. Who knows, maybe Taylor became a Beaver fan that night too... Also, my brother is convinced that we need to have more kids. The day Tristan was born OSU travelled to a highly favored Cal and beat them. I love my OSU football, but I'm done with having kids.

Taylor Rose Hopkins

Chugga chugga whoops! So much for dreams of 30 weeks. Apparently we pushed our luck long enough.

Taylor Rose Hopkins was born this morning. She weighs 2 lb 7 oz. She is doing great! Mom is doing great! I'm great as long as they both stay great!

I won't be in today.  If somebody could get my computer hooked up (hopefully at some decent cubicle and not the janitors closet) so I can remote in, I would very much appreciate it.

I'm sending a link to Picasa. Look at the last ones for sure. I got them just a little while ago when they were changing Taylor's CPAP. Its the only time (besides when she born and covered in goo) that I've seen her face without all the scary stuff on (which she has back on). Oh yeah, I thought you'd get a kick of my cool threads. I'm saving them for when I stain the barn. This is first time I've ever used Picasa so if it doesn't work let me know (not the time to learn something when you are on zero sleep and emotional high). http://picasaweb.google.com/mmmelling1/TaylorHopkins?authkey=AP8gx3GdLO8#

I'll share the story in a while. Sorry to make you all suffer through another one of my endless e-mails, but its my little journal of this whole crazy journey. The first ride has come to an end and so far so good. We are now on the next ride of this journey.