Crud

Michelle had some unexpected bleeding. Things appear to be ok, but we were told to go to the hospital if it continues over night or tomorrow.

Heading home

Michelle is going to be on restricted bed-rest for at least the next 5 weeks (until she gets to 28 weeks). After that they may loosen some of the restrictions. We'll have weekly trips to the doctor as well to make sure things are okay. She's also on anti-contraction medicine. The little booger inside her is still kicking like crazy.

A birthday poem for Michelle

How was it that we
ended up in this place
Lost from our plans
Our dreams displaced

And how could the wave
hit so unexpectedly hard
blind-siding with pain
when wishing on stars

And how as we walked
on the edge of losing it all
Did a miracle find us
and stop our fall.

And how could you
stand so bright and strong
Leaving me feel
so small in your arms

And how can I still
dare to dream in the night
that things will work out
that it will be all right

As I lay my hand on you
and still feel her move
I know its your love
I know its you

You get me through
every extreme
You give me reason
to continue to dream

And all I can wish
is for our Christmas tree
and smiles from all
a healthy happy baby

And I'm holding my wish
and will never let go
I will keep it beside me
because I know

That between us
love conquers all
That miracles are possible
when love stands so tall

Birthday in the hospital

There were a couple days this last week when we thought Michelle might be able to go home and not have to spend her birthday in the hospital. It didn't work out unfortunately.

After 2 weeks of anti-biotics Michelle is sick of IVs. They keep blowing her veins out. She's gone through 6 different IVs this week. This last one we were just hoping would make it a few days. It did, and Michelle is now off the anti-biotics.

People came at different times in the day to celebrate her birthday. Over all it was a good day, but Michelle really wanted to be home. That was the birthday gift I wanted the most for her. It didn't happen and now it might not even be Monday.

During the day, Michelle had an ultrasound downstairs. It was vaginal exam and the technicians had problems finding the cervix. It was pretty rough and uncomfortable for Michelle. That night, Michelle had a lot of contractions and they were painful. They ended up giving her more indocine and it appeared to get things under control. But it kind of puts some doubt on us getting out of her anytime soon.

A big scare

Today we had a huge scare. Dr. Coleman came in this morning to check the cervix and the cerclage. Tristan had stayed the night and was sound asleep next to Michelle. He hooked up the ultra-sound and did not like what he saw. We saw it too. There was a dark shape by the cervix again. It looked differently than before (more triangle-like than the roundness we saw before the cerclage), but he was convinced that the membranes had come through the cervix again. 

Michelle got up and went to the restroom. He told me that "it didn't look good". He then did a vaginal ultra-sound and was still pretty sure.  He left to get the nurse and left Michelle and myself there. I was pretty heart-broken and upset and asked Michelle if she wanted me to call her mom or anything. She just said that she "didn't want to talk about it yet". She didn't tell me at the time, that she didn't think it was her water bag. 

The nurse and him got ready to do a regular exam. The nurse was looking at Tristan and seemed real surprise that Coleman didn't seem to care. She asked him "are you comfortable with him being there" or "shouldn't we move him" or something like that. Dr. Coleman just looked and said "no, he's sleeping." They then flipped a bedpan upside down and Michelle sat her butt on it. They pulled out a flashlight and away they went. He couldn't tell, but agreed with Michelle about the amount of cervical goo that she had been reporting. He started really doubting the utlra-sound but had to do one more exam to prove for sure. It proved out to be a false alarm.

Michelle told him that she never believed it. I wish I would have had her confidence. They then just started talking some more. They were talking about Michelle and her previous desires to be a nurse or a veternarian and how she basically just gave it all up to be the best mom she could be for her kids. I don't know why, but it moved me. I've heard it all before. I was just sitting there and listening to her and looking at her an my eyes filled with tears. It seems impossible that there's a place in my heart that she doesn't already occupy, but that moment proved me wrong. Either that or my heart just grew some more. I'm not sure.

Anyway, that was that and the doctor was gone. A big sigh of relief.

Update

Hi everyone,

It may sound very strange, but we are very happy to still be in the hospital. Its been a roller-coaster ride so far, but we've made it farther than expected and things at least for now have stabilized. In a nutshell, the babies bag started dropping because of an incompetent cervix. If it breaks then labor starts, which there is essentially no chance right now that the baby would survive. We will be at 21 weeks on Wed. To even have a chance we need to get to 24. Obviously, everybody wants the baby to get a lot farther than that.

On Saturday, they were able to get the bag back where its was supposed to be, and the cervix stitched shut. Statistically, there's no proof that it will help, but the reality on Saturday was that if we didn't do anything the bag probably would have broke and we would have lost the baby. It had emerged way too much and was not slowing down. We feel extremely blessed that the surgery was successful. The doctor had given it less than a 1% chance of success because of how emerged the bag was and told us after that he got very lucky. I'm not one who normally believes in miracles and all that, but I don't know what else to call it.

The baby is extremely healthy and very active, making all the nurses chase it to measure heartbeat, etc.. She's a fighter like her mom..

Anyway that's where we are. The next 2 weeks are a big hurdle. There's a chance of infection from the surgery which may take 10-14 days before showing up. There's all sorts of other worries, and while things have stabilized for now the likelihood for a positive outcome is still very low. Michelle is on restricted bed-rest, and it seems she has about every antibiotic in the world in her veins right now. She won't leave the hospital for at least 2 weeks. The doctors are not happy that we live where we live (because of the long drive), so it may be a lot longer than 2 weeks before they let Michelle go home (for more bed-rest). But we'll deal with that then. Its a long, long, long road ahead, but we are very happy to still be on the road.

I haven't really figure out how to make this all work yet. I just wanted us to get through the weekend. Thankfully we have lots of a family, and they have been helping us with the kids and allowing me to stay with Michelle. Sorry to be sappy, but Michelle and myself feel very fortunate that I work with such a great group of people and that we have some flexibility. I'm very thankful to have Wi-fi in the hospital (at least right now - we will be moving rooms tomorrow if things stay the same). The more things stabilize, the more opportunity I'll have to get some work done. Anyway, I'm hoping to arrange it so that I can come in the office an hour or so tomorrow in the afternoon. I'm sure it will do Michelle some good to get me away from pestering her for awhile.

Surgery

Dr. Coleman met with us in the morning. He brought his ultra-sound machine again. We were hoping to have seen the bags of the water in the same spot or that they had receded. Unfortunately, that was not the case. They had come out a lot more. Dr. Coleman said he thought they had come out to far and that he didn't think we had any more than a 1% chance of getting a cerclage in.

Suddenly it seemed like there were a ton of people in front of us all standing around us. The room had closed in and we were crying. Michelle was in tears and told him that they should have let her know about the membranes and that she would have done it last night.

Coleman didn't think it would work but would try it if we wanted. He said his other colleagues wouldn't. Michelle asked him if she were his kid, what would he say. I think it struck a chord that changed everything to some extent. He thought about it for a little bit, and then said "I would encourage you to deliver." He then kind of thought a bit about it more and said "or, maybe I would try". 

We said we would try. I believe we both were under the impression that they could knock her out and it would be either work or they would deliver the baby. We were informed it didn't work that way. She would have to deliver the baby. The baby would then die. I remember that being a shot to my head. I couldn't imagine Michelle having to deliver and then both of us watching our little girl die. 

Michelle got ready for surgery. I called people and cried a lot. I'm not the kind to believe in miracles and was pretty sure I knew how it would end, and I couldn't bring myself to deal with Michelle having to go through that delivery. 

Michelle was put on a general so she was knocked out during it. I unfortunately had to be awake and sit there and sit there. I called my brother and mom and talked to them for awhile and then I just sat there, daring to hope but trying to prepare for the worst. For the most part it was pretty quick procedure, but it seemed like a lifetime to me.

Michelle was wheeled in followed by Dr. Coleman. It was a success!!! He told me he didn't think it would work and he got lucky. He also thought it was too late when they got Michelle back there. There was a lot of fluid and he thought the bags had broken. They had not so he went ahead with the surgery.

I was floored. A miracle had just happened. I've never witnessed one, but one just happened. What do you say when that happened. I didn't say much but I was smiling a whole lot. 

The only thing they were a little concerned with was a blood clot that showed up in the ultrasound after surgery. It wasn't there before surgery. They thought it would take a couple weeks for it to disappear. He also warned us again that just because it worked, didn't mean anything and that the chance of this not working out was still very high.

At that moment I was just feeling too good to care. I thought we had lost before we really even had our chance. We hadn't and Taylor was still alive. 

Michelle however wasn't feeling good the rest of the day. She woke up to a terrible headache that didn't disappear no matter how much morphine they gave her, or how much time passed. She didn't recover until the evening. 

We had no idea what was ahead of us, but somehow we got through this day and Taylor was still alive and kicking!

Dr. Coleman

In the morning we met with a Dr. Coleman. He was one of the specialists that would be working with us. There were a group of them and they all had different beliefs. But he was recommending a cerclage. The idea was that he would push the bag of waters bag through the cervix and then stitch it shut. If everything went right, there was a possibility that Michelle might not have to be in bed for the rest of the pregnancy. But, there was no real scientific proof that it would work any better than bed rest.

Dr. Coleman seemed like a good guy and we thanked him and started doing some research. He would come back that night and do it if we wanted to. 

We pretty much came to the conclusion to go ahead and try the cerclage. Unfortunately, during this time Michelle started feeling some fluid coming out. They tested it over and over again and said that it was not amniotic fluid, but Michelle was convinced it was. If the bags had broke, they would not be able to do a cerclage. And at this stage Taylor was too little to be born. She would die during or after delivery.

The fluid built up over the day and the evening and Michelle was convinced that the cerclage was out of the picture. She turned down an exam from the hospitalist. She would just have to wait it out on bedrest and see what happens. We had seen an ultrasound that didn't look good. The membranes had come out further.

That night a nurse came on and explained to Michelle that what was probably happening was that fluid was seeping because either the membranes were stretching thin. It happened all the time. We were like, why didn't somebody tell us this already. The next nurse said the same thing. Then the next.  

We were ready to talk to Coleman in the morning again, and we'd go ahead with the cerclage.

Michelle tried to rest as much as possible. She was on strict bed rest, upside down and had to use a bed pan. She was not having fun.