31 Weeks!

Taylor is now 31 weeks old gestationally. Tomorrow she will be 3 weeks old. She is still doing very well and is now 2 lbs 12 oz. Today the doctors bumped her CPAP pressure level down from 5 to 4. They are doing this for two reasons. The first reason is that Taylor's stomach is still pretty big. As stated earlier its a problem for children on CPAP. The air gets into the stomach, the stomach grows, and soon the stomach starts competing for room with the lungs. And of course the lungs don't need any extra competition right now. The second reason is that they hope they can start weening her from CPAP. If she does well on room air with CPAP they will start thinking about removing the CPAP for periods of time. If she does not do well, they'll put the CPAP back on. If she does well, then its later tater to CPAP. The doctor also said that most children by 32 weeks can be off of it. One week away!

They are also taking her off of continuous feeding. She will now be fed for 2 1/2 hours straight and then nothing for a 1/2 hour. This too can help with her extended stomach by giving her stomach a break for 1/2 hour and letting the nurses get all the air out. It also is the beginning of a new cycle for her towards regular feedings. If she does well on the 2 1/2 hours on, 1/2 hour off, they'll change it to where she's 2 1/4 on 3/4 off, then 2 on 1 off, etc... until such time they get down to her getting her feeding in about 15 minutes to 1/2 hour and then nothing else for the remaining 3 hours. Of course by then, we hope she's stuck to mom and she can have all she wants.

Its really incredible to think about how well she has done and is continuing to do. She truly is a miracle child to us, and she continues to amaze us. To think that 35 weeks is only 4 weeks away now is just incredible. Perhaps it will be longer than that before she can come home, perhaps shorter, but the end isn't too far away even though it seems like it at times.

I have to say that I feel kind of stupid looking back on some of this right now, and some of my recent behaviour. Those that know me well, know that I am not a very patient person. I am very honest in saying that I want Taylor home today and that it seems like I'm almost always missing my family. If I'm at the hospital I miss Haylee and Tristan. If I'm at home I miss Taylor. Every moment I'm not around Michelle, I miss her horribly. I just want everyone home happy and healthy, and I want to be able to work again at the office and come home to my family at night, and just get back to as much of a normal everyday life as there will ever be. Anyway, its to be expected I guess that I'm so impatient, but its not what's important. We have been given this miracle and we are so fortunate and so blessed in every way.

Mary sent me the e-mail about lighting a candle for the children you lost and told me she was lighting a candle for her Gracie and one for our little boy. It brought back some emotions that have fallen under the surface of everything else that's been going on. I went and found a copy of the George Canyon song "My Name" and sent it to her. Tonya had sent that song to us after our miscarriage. Anyway after listening to the song again, the whole thing kind of slapped me in the face.

I've mentioned the miscarriage before here but not in much detail. In October 2005 we had a late miscarriage and lost a baby boy. The miscarriage was at 17 weeks. We had an ultrasound at 12 and while everything was okay, it didn't feel right. I can't describe it, but it just seemed "off" a bit. Michelle also hadn't felt a lot of movement like she thought she should have. They guessed he was around 14 weeks gestationally when he died. Anyway, Michelle and myself are fairly grounded people but it obviously had a huge impact on our lives. We'll never know what happened although we have often wondered. We brought him home and buried him. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Even at such a young age, he was a beautiful child and I will never forget what he looked like. It was amazing seeing a baby at that age and seeing the detail, and I could see similarities between him and Tristan. Anyway, it was a very sad time. We never named him.

His death had a major impact on our lives. Of course our immediate reaction was "never again". Tristan's emergency c-section still haunts us to this day, and the miscarriage was just too hard. While there are lots of things in my life that haven't worked out, for the most part I've been pretty blessed and it was pretty hard to deal with something like that happening because I had previously been so fortunate.

But over time... (and rest assured there will not be any "over time" after Taylor - we are done with pregnancies!!!!), we started thinking about having another again. It took us a long time to get pregnant again. There were personal reasons for this that I don't want to go into. Anyhow, it took us so long that I think we were both wondering if it ever would happen again. And then it did.

I've mentioned before about how scared Michelle has been this whole pregnancy. She was afraid of losing another. She's tried to keep herself fairly emotionally detached and built a bit of a wall for self-defense. It was not until 18 weeks along that she finally took a breath. I felt so bad for her when things took a turn for a worse at 20 weeks. They think the reason for her incompetent cervix was due to an injury she received from the D&C performed after the miscarriage. Had we known the risks we would have still had the surgery.

You can look at things another way though as well. This whole trip started with a little blood and Michelle got into the doctor right away because of the fear that she had in losing Taylor. Because some minor bleeding is so common in pregnancy, the doctors office wasn't that concerned and only agreed to see her to help her put her mind at ease. Because she acted, she saved Taylor. Had she not, her water would most likely have broken within the next day or so and we would have most likely lost Taylor. Instead she ended up upside down on a bed and the hospital story began.

It was two days later when Dr. Coleman simply performed a miracle. I often go back in my mind to that day when he was somehow able to get the membranes back in and the cerclage in place. A 1% chance of it working is what they said. I was sure we would lose Taylor. I was sitting there waiting for the surgery to be completed, just lost. The thought of Michelle having to deliver and us watching our child die because Taylor wouldn't be able to breathe was just so hard to take. I didn't want Michelle to have to go through that. I still remember being stunned when Dr. Coleman walked in and said it was a success. Other people can say what they want about whether the whole procedure was necessary but I personally know that he saved Taylor's life that day as well. He said he got lucky. I'm sure it was skill, but I also believe I was a witness that day to a miracle. Perhaps, as Tonya has suggested, Taylor's big brother is now her guardian angel and is looking after her. Its a nice thought.

Our little miracle is doing so well. Time will soon past and she will be home. I'm blessed with two other incredible kids. I am fortunate to work with some great people who have given me the flexibility needed to get through this. I have a wonderful extended family on both sides. I'm married to the most wonderful, intelligent, incredibly beautiful and amazingly strong woman that I have ever known. I truly am the luckiest guy in the world, and should have nothing to complain about. Still if somebody can pass me the fast forward button, I would really like to get to Thanksgiving quickly.